People Need to Know About the Internet Return of Chris Chan

Posted on by Jorden

Jorden

I know this is a sports blog, but there are some things that transcend the internet medium and need to be spoken about. I should be writing another blog about how the downfall of Neymar made me feel old. But as I sit here watching the Astros game, all I can focus on is the return of the Goddess preventing the Dimensional Merge. I have been a Chris Chan follower for a long time. And for that entire time, I have genuinely fascinated by the depths of modern horror Al Gore could not have anticipated when he created the internet.

The OG Chris Chan picture.

There may be someone reading this who has no clue who Chris Chan is. I wish I could explain Chris Cahn neatly in a blog pot. But Chris Chan cannot be explained neatly. Chris Chan is probably the most well-documented human to date, and there is deep lore to him. Even trying to get into the lore leads to Chris Chan-created verbiage and lore references that you have to understand. What is a “love quest”? Hey, why is Chris Chan claiming to be Jesus now? He did fucking what to his mother*? (*Disputed by Chris Chan).

There is a currently a 79-part YouTube docuseries trying its hardest to understand and chronicle Chris Chan. The best I can offer is this video that at least starts the explanation, even though it’s 7 years old:

But this isn’t a blog meant to understand or try to explain Chris Chan to someone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan. This blog is meant to signify my giddiness that Chris Chan is back on the internet. The annoying thing about Chris Chan is he is pervasive. I can’t hear a Backstreet Boys song without internally singing –

Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! Tell me why I so need a cute girl my age! Tell me why I never wanna hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

I cannot see anyone wearing a chain around their neck, without thinking of that decrepit Sonichu medallion. As a proud UH proponent I see Renu Khator and still think of her in comparison to Mary Lee Walsh.

The New Age Chris Chan

There’s a certain fascination I have with genuinely weird people. And Chris Chan is by the far the weirdest person I can name. And now we have so many new questions to answer. So many new love quests to go on. Chris Chan might have a real girlfriend? Has the long love quest come to an end?

I know she looks about 12 here, but “Flutter” is apparently in her 30s.

And we started off the new era of Chris Chan with an absolute banger of a video.

If you have a second, I need you to watch the editing on that video. And then Chris Chan even addressed the Barbara issue. What an insane couple of days the worst parts of the internet have had.

I thought the Chris Chan story had been written. I thought the van in the motel parking lot would be the last we heard of the CWCville Guardian. The best/worst story of all time had finally come to an end, and now it was time to pick up the pieces and reevaluate what the internet really should be used for. It was finally time to take a deep delve into how the internet can really destroy the psyche of one person for the absolute worst. There’s so many lessons to be learned from Chris Chan’s story.

But that’s for a future internet. For now, Chris Chan has returned.

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