This is actually an apology blog. I’d like to send out an apology to all the astrology girls that I have silently made fun of over the years. Sure, I’d still send my Co-Star birth chart because being into crystals is hot for some reason. But in my head, I’d always think about how it’s crazy this tatted girl thinks that the moon controls my personality. I was a foolish, stupid man who didn’t listen and couldn’t comprehend how celestial objects controlled our lives.
Sure, I passed 4th grade science and knew the moon controlled the tides. But no one ever taught me that the moon also controls football scores. I know Brian had laughed at me on Twitch on Wednesday when I told him to bet agains the Lions. But the thing is moon don’t lie.
Going into the game, I’m pretty sure everyone and their drunk uncle who has very strong opinions about Biden, Israel, and college majors would have said the Lions have this. The Packers’ quarterback appointee is not working out. The Lions are finally clicking under emotional support coach Dan Campbell. And it’s Thanksgiving, so I can only imagine the Packers have been forcibly pumped full of bland Midwest fat.
I now need to do a full investigation into which cycles of the moon teams are most likely to win during. This guy may have opened up a whole new world of predictions. We’ve all heard of ball don’t lie. Welcome to the new world of moon don’t lie.
And hey maybe we take this to it’s natural conclusion. Let’s not stop with the Lions on Thanksgiving. How likely are the Jets to win when Jupiter and Mars have positively correlated gravitational pull on the asteroid belt? Maybe we fuck around a bit and let Pluto back into the equation. The Bears need to have some good stats, and with how often they’re winning these days, I imagine Pluto is part of it.
Now, when a I send my birth chart to a girl with very clear daddy issues I won’t laugh. I’ll understand she was on to something I couldn’t understand. It’s like when someone asks me to put the Ukraine War in NBA terms (it’s like when KD created his Nets super team but just couldn’t get the job done). If someone had explained astrology to me in NFL terms years ago, I would one million percent have a questionably offensive Native American tattoo at this point. Because, as the Lions taught us, moon don’t lie.
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