During the 2022 NCAA Tournament, experts realized we were close to a Doomsday. Unlike the Doomsday Clock run by those scientists (they just make it up as they go), this countdown was real. Sadly, we were treated to a Duke versus UNC Final Four during Coach K’s last narcissistic tour. It was dirty, it was dark, and it set America back many basketball years as we had to acquiesce to the dealing of old Blue Bloods. But now we find ourselves tumbling ever closer to another doomsday – an NBA Finals doomsday. And tomorrow night, we will see it come to fruition.
A Second Dallas Championship
I’ve become a pretty staunch Timberwolves fan in the past year. I love how ANT is actually mean. Sure, the buddy cop aesthetic that’s permeated the NBA makes it a bit more jolly. But, I’d rather have players who genuinely hate each other and want to stop everyone else from winning. In that, you’d think I’d be a Luka fan. Last night, in his postgame interview, Luka mentioned that he couldn’t say what he said to Anthony Edwards on live TV. Luka has two problems for me. First, he is so incredibly annoying when arguing with every official. Or when he goes off against an opposing player after making an easy two. The whole charade is annoying and I can’t stand it. I may sound like an oldhead, but there are times I watch Luka and I just want him to play basketball.
His second problem – and this is the real problem – he plays in Dallas. As a Houstonian, it is my birthrate to just hate that city. Not to bring up that Kendrick line, but I genuinely hate the way that entire city walks, talks, and just is. Maybe if Luka had taken his talents to South Beach (if he had a choice), I’d like him more. Or if he played for literally any other team (maybe beside Boston or LA). But Luka plays for Dallas. And I can’t have them in the Finals. No matter how good Luka is, his legacy and stardom are tainted by his team.
And while it’s very nice that Chet Hanks’ white boy summer is kicking off with white boy dominance, it can’t continue. Dallas already paid for that World Series (Man City of the MLB). The rule we learned in Houston is that for your team to become a dynasty you must sacrifice everyone else. Daryl Morey killed the CP3 era in Houston and somehow fumbled OKC 2.0. The Texans were run by a preacher and the man who made Alabama offensively stagnant. The rule is to win a championship, you must sacrifice.
There is one part I will not say, but I must say. I’m really enjoying watching Kyrie play. Sure, I miss when he was spouting off whatever new theory Dr. Umar had taught him that morning. But he’s having fun, he’s maturing, and he’s playing electrically. That’s all I can say without hurting myself more.
Anyway, let’s hope whatever the Timberwolves subreddit has cooked up for tomorrow works.
Or maybe Russia just speedruns Ukraine today and invades Solvenia tomorrow. I am not up on military service in Slovenia, but I’m hoping it’s something like South Korea.
A Tatum Finals
I have been pretty open about my hate of Jayson Tatum. It really has nothing to do with his basketball. I’m just convinced he is convinced that he is Kobe. And thank goodness for the Warriors in 2022, otherwise we’d be referring to Jayson Tatum as a champion. For me that can never work. There’s no world I want to live in where the narrative around Jayson Tatum is tainted by the fact he is actually accomplished now. Sure, he’s kind of killing it on the court, but realistically I know he will fall off. It’s the Jayson Tatum way.
The other reason I just really hate that Boston is making the Finals is that it feels like their run here has been incredibly easy. I could explain how the Knicks were probably cursed by the fact Stephen A. thought he was on the team. I’m not sure the Pacers are aware it is the postseason; they are in preseason form. Anyway here are two tweets that explain how I feel.
Oh and also I just hate Boston. It’s a city with an inflated sports ego because they lucked into the greatest quarterback of all time. I can’t remember who it was, but it’s like the ESPN commentator who said that other teams should follow the Texans’ 2023 drafting strategy. Yes, every team should just draft a star quarterback and then create a team that works well with him. I have no clue why the Panthers haven’t thought about this. Someone should go to Carolina (cardinal direction ambiguous) and tell them. The city sucks, they think they’re Irish, and the people have the worst possible accents; almost worse than a Long Island accent. Say what you want about the South, but would you rather have your lady say “I love you” like a construction worker or a Southern belle?
It’s not like anyone really wanted a Celtics-Pacers Eastern Conference Finals, but I would’ve have preferred the Pacers to go to the Finals. Sure, Dallas would destroy them. But this was back when I had hope that the Timberwolves would send Luka to summering with Jokic.
Anyway, this is hell. I am in hell. This is the worst Finals of all time. Give me Cavs-Warriors 5 instead. Maybe even let the Heat in so they can nonstop talk about Heat culture, even though they haven’t been relevant since LeBron took his talents out of South Beach.
My thoughts summed up:
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