One thing that never fails in March is America falls in love with a cold ass white boy. A white boy who just dominates the court. Last year, I’d argue, it was Drew Timme. The year before that Doug Edert upset Kentucky, Purdue, and any other white boy looking to be America’s cold ass white boy. America has now identified its first cold ass white boy of March – Jack Gohlke.
This man has one divinely given skill on the court and that’s to shoot 3s. There is no world where Jack should have made even a couple of those 3s. Last year he was playing for the favorite college of old ass white boys. Now he’s the first conquering hero for all cold ass white boys. And not only did he make it look easy. He made Kentucky look genuinely stupid just chucking up 3s with no regard for his own safety. That’s why he’s America’s first cold ass white boy of March.
Only shooting 3s is the epitome of a cold ass white boy. Jack Gohlke straight up refuses to shoot a 2-pointer. That complete lack of respect for the short game, coupled with the uncanny ability to do the same thing over and over makes him my cold ass white boy of March.
Everyone is making the same joke that he’s about to be the best three shooting accountant in America. But with that kind of pinpoint precision, and with zero regard for the youth he’s playing against, this man is made for a midsize regional bank doing something (other than hold my money and make investments and break the global economy I’m not sure what banks do). But killing it at that something. And he ends the entire game with a speech I can’t wait until he pulls out after winning the championship for his Wednesday night rec league.
While we’re on the subject of youth, can we kill John Calipari? Like genuinely, can the state of Kentucky pass some resolution that allows for the death penalty for coaches who don’t teach defense. Like I predicted Kentucky was fraudulent (because I have a basic understanding of the basketball I watch), but I thought Calipari would at least coach some sort of defense. I have included screenshots of some of the most egregious moments.
Sorry to hijack my own blog, I just needed to tell about this. Jack Gohlke his so many 3s fully off of screens that I think was the first time anyone from Kentucky had seen a screen.
Remember when Adam Silver banned Donald Sterling from the game of basketball forever? I need him to do the same with Calipari. Possibly with Reed Sheppard, the ass white boy of March. The University of Kentucky is just G-League Ignite with extra steps. At least a guy like Joe Paterno pretended his athletes were in college while committing terrible crimes (I finally watched that movie with Al Pacino). John Calipari is just looking to increase his first round draft stats.
Jack Gohlke you keep doing you and using screens to just chuck up shots that magically go in. You’re one cold ass white boy. I cannot wait until America watches Braden Smith for one or two games and realize he’s a Jason Williams regen. He’s my next pick for cold ass white boy.
Also, to Kentucky girl. I’ll talk ball with you all day (see above) (respectfully).
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