An Open Apology to Shohei Ohtani

Dear Shohei,

It’s me, Jorden. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about how I didn’t care that you were a gambler. Even though I tried to hide behind the lens of an impartial director, in reality, I was almost entirely sure you were in gambling debt. I even spent the majority of the blog defending the fact I believe you were placing bets on Australian horse races. Now, I think we need to talk.

In my haste to publish a blog using your name for that sweet SEO credit (like I’m doing now), I got a bit ahead of myself. If there’s one thing I don’t like to do, it’s wildly overreact to happenings on a baseball diamond or a football field. But, in my mind, no one would be dumb enough to give a translator a line of credit. And maybe, just maybe, I wanted to believe that the good boy persona you had created had a secret edge to it. It was the Michael Jordan-esque Dark Side of the Diamond. I wanted all great players to secretly be gambling addicts.

There seem to be a lot of people (Dodgers fans) demanding everyone “apologize to Shohei.” First, Dodgers fans, like IRS agents, aren’t humans and don’t have the same rights. (Side Note: Imagine a pound for Dodgers fans. People adopt them and rehabilitate them into a fanbase that’s tolerable. Dave Portnoy adopts some LA transplant from Nebraska who moved there to be an actor at 20, but now is 37 and has adopted LA sports as his personality. He dabbles in standup comedy, but it turns out being the funniest guy at a high school of 10 wasn’t great practice. Dave calls him “Mister Wheezes” due to his vape addiction).

But, second, I actually don’t think anyone should be apologizing. Shohei, let’s be honest you did kind of muck up that announcement. You had the mullet of all reactions; being friendly in the dugout in the front and holding a press conference admitting your friend scammed you in the back. Also, again, you’re on the Dodgers. Everyone kind of hates you now.

Also, it turns out your friend, Ippei, may have been trying to kill you. I’m only on season 2 of The Sopranos (every time I watch it, I go on an Italian food rabbit hole), but I imagine dealing with underground bookies doesn’t end well. In the original blog, I opined that if you knew about what Ippei was doing and helped, you’ve locked up friend of the year. Turns out, Ippei might actually have been close to ending his career. He almost Nancy Kerrigan-ed you by proxy.

If anyone who knows this bookie is reading, can you ask him a few questions? One, how long had it been since Ippei had answered? You also know where he works; just sit outside. I mentioned The Sopranos, but they always seemed to know where someone was. Second, what was the plan? Take out the knees of a billion-dollar man and profit? That’s how you get the feds on you in like a week. The entire country of Japan would have drawn and quartered you through the streets of Tokyo. Hiroshima and Nagasaki would have looked like fireworks set off by the neighborhood kids compared to what they would do to you.

There is some good news for you, Shohei. I know this is supposed to be an apology, but this is more of a rambling letter, like I’d write my dad for his birthday or that one girl when I had zero game (I still don’t have any). Apparently, your bank has no voice-related safeguards.

You know how every single celebrity athlete has some half-baked charity for dogs or books or whatever? Start a charity advocating for voice verification at banks. Also, since you’re clearly concerned about taxes, just launder your money through the charity. Turns out your bank will just let you do whatever. And if it’s SoftBank, they’ll just invest in whatever too (this is a WeWork joke maybe 1 person will get).

Ippei

I want to end this blog by talking about Ippei, the “Shohei whisperer”. Genuinely, he might be the best and worst at two things. First, he may be the best and worst criminal of all time. I know managers steal from athletes all the time, but he took it to the next level. He might be the Shohei Ohtani of stealing from the guy you manage. Imagine just calling the bank and saying “yes, I am Shohei Ohtani” and then you’re wiring a bookie millions. But, then Ippei just admits everything over text, unprompted.

The second thing Ippei is the best and worst at is gambling. The best gamblers never stop. They are always one bet away from hitting it big and making it back in the black. Ippei never stopped, even just betting $10; that’s pure desperation. He also was $40 million in the hole. That’s Bruno Mars debt.

I was hoping in honor of OJ, Ippei would go on a police chase on the 405. But that’s an impersonation that Al Cowlings probably wasn’t up for recreating (without payment, which we know Ippei could just have called the bank). Also, the first one just got everything right.

So, Shohei, just know I never wanted to hurt you. If anything, the whole story was going to make you greater. I named Michael Jordan, but the Pete Rose comparisons were apt. While I would rather the Dodgers suffer and hit lows like the Angels and A’s, turns out you’re still really good at baseball. Just don’t Vince Young yourself.

Sincerely,

Jorden

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