Dear Taylor, I hope this blog finds you well. Given how the 8 ball was making you act at the VMAs, I would have assumed you were at the Billiard Music Awards. I’m here as a concerned citizen, because all anyone seems to be able to talk about is you and Travis Kelce. I have no clue if I can start him in fantasy after last week, I just know I can’t start him on my Tinder fantasy league (it’s a real thing, me and other straight men sit around and discuss who’d get laid the most).
But I’m not writing to you as an inquiry whether Travis is okay. I’m here to ask if you’re okay. I know you went through a breakup with that man who’s last name I still don’t know how to pronounce (All in? Al win? Al-Ween, who’s also looking to sign you in the January transfer window?). And then dated a human rat for like three weeks until the internet bullied you out of it (which like, just go outside who cares what the white women QAnon says). Now you’re looking for a man. Not just a man, but the man if you base your personality on Tight End U.
Here’s the thing Taylor, Travis is a radical break from every other man you have ever dated. You have dated a Kennedy. You have dated multiple Marvel men (who will pay for their crimes in the next life). You literally dated John Mayer when you were 12 as I was told by the internet. But none of them have been anything close to Travis Kelce.
You Don’t Belong with Kelce
There’s a blank space in your heart, and you’re looking to write new name. I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a fan of this pairing. I know you’re going to look at this sentence and think who the actual fuck does this dweeb think he is? First off, Ms. Swift, watch the language. Second off, if we go back to December you’ll realize you have a type when it comes to men (women with bumblebee tattoos who’s thighs could suck the air out of a well-constructed nuclear submarine).
Let’s just be honest here, you like British men. Not just any proper British wanker who has a favorite pub and a wife named Sharon, but lanky British men who are pretty much just actors or artists. Now obviously there are some Americans in there, but the last triumvirate of men have been British men. Men who look like, and sound like, they were breastfed until the tender age of eleven (non-sexual).
But, to quote friend of the blog, Reddit user buffy_slays, “it just gives me the ick to thinking about Taylor “having fun”…with someone like Travis Kelce.” And I agree with Buffy’s expert analysis, there is something just not Gorgeous about you and Travis together. You guys just have different aesthetics. And he’s just not your style. Travis is the kind of guy that in 2016 would go out and personally wait for the moment the DJ gave into the guy in Sperrys begging for Black Beatles. You would call the cops on Black Beatles. He has a cool brother, a funny sister-in-law, and a mother who a birth canal of steel. Your dad is an investment banker who definitely bought your first album so it would chart.
Like I’ve seen you dance, and I think ISIS leader Abby Lee Miller would not have you on the top of her pyramid. I haven’t seen Travis dance but I imagine he has the same skills as Baker Mayfield. I can also imagine your online goblins not approving of this unholy marriage because of Travis’ best football friend appropriating Muppet culture every time he speaks. They recently got mad at Brittney Broski for complimenting Beyonce and not mentioning Taylor; you are their personal American expat 8chan host.
Even though this would be great for your personal brand, because Travis is on fire right now (in popular culture, because no one in your base cares about his football prowess), it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to see you hurt him, because
Braxton Means Braxton
Taylor, you may tell me that I need to calm down. But don’t worry I’m not here empty handed with no ID like Arch Manning. I was genuinely throwing bricks at my computer trying , but I think I found your NFL man. We’ve gone through your criteria – British, lanky, and artistically talented. That is not available in the NFL (unless you count Kirk Cousins, who I feel fits all those categories, but he’s currently running a child production mill). I present you with your new NFL boyfriend, Miami Wide Receiver Braxton Berrios:
Braxton fits close to your criteria. Is he a lanky British man? No, not at all. Quite the opposite. But does the name Braxton Berrios sound like someone who went to Oxford and is primed to have a posh accent and questionable taste in racial demographics? Definitely. You know that famous phrase from Boris Johnson, “Braxton means Braxton.”
Also he says, “Be like a duck,” on Instagram. I’ll be honest I have no clue what that means. If he had used goldfish I’d know he was at least referring to Ted Lasso (which cringey millennial feel good is kind of your brand so that’d be a real win for you). He didn’t go to Oregon, so that isn’t a possibility. I’m guessing it’s like a “be calm on the surface” thing. But my man, you play in the NFL. Ray Rice killed a man. Ndamukong Suh hurts children in his dreams. I don’t want you calm on the surface, I want you to strike fear in the hearts of cornerbacks (mostly because Tua is on my fantasy team).
Apparently, he is dating Alix Earle right now, according to the Wikipedia run through I had to do to pretend I know ball. But one, her face scares me. Two, I still have no idea what she’s famous for and at this point I don’t think that I ever will. And three, you’re Taylor Swift so you can just buy some Colombian mercenaries to kill her.
Listen, we both know how this is going to end. There’s no way this is going to work out because he is an inch shorter than you, and as we know that’s a pretty huge difference. But just stay away from Travis for your own sake.
