A Commentary on the Texans’ Intentional Safety

There is probably a necessity to start this blog by adding I am undeniably happy the Texans reached the playoffs. I was a hater who began this season with demonstrably low expectations. But, everyone and their dad who swore off the NFL for “being too woke” is writing a column about the Texans. Someone at ESPN is currently cooking up a mid-rate “article” about how DeMeco Ryans and co. are genius for taking a chance on nimwit-in-training CJ Stroud. The article will then pivot to compare CJ to Patrick Mahomes in some way.

This blog was actually going to be about how I was genuinely annoyed that Texans’ punter Cameron Johnston (ginger :() left a second on the clock. As Johnston ran out of the endzone with :01 left, I internally lost my mind. My man, it is incredibly easy to just waste a second. Let the real football player physically force you out of the endzone with force only reserved for blatant roughing the kicker penalties; brace for impact. Pull a juke that not one expects from a punter and just start running to thay one trumpet song. (I say that, but I have immense respect #ForTheBrand, even if I do contend that kicking can’t be that hard).

Turns out, though, I don’t know ball. And by ball I mean I did not know the rules of the kick after a safety that ends the half. I had always assumed that if time runs out, and a safety occurs, the game is over. Mostly because I was going off of this Ravens game where the game finishes on a safety.

Turns out, the Texans also pulled it off once and ended the game. I could use this as an excuse, but I was about 7 years old. So my understanding of complex game-winning strategy (its not complex its running out the back of the endzone) was limited.

The NFL Rule

If there’s one thing I truly love, it’s weird rules and annoying game strategy. To be Bill Belichick, laughing on the sidelines as you torture the poor Jets taking delay of game penalties, who are losing by 33. I’ve also absolutely binged Secret Base’s “Weird Rules” series, because I want to be up on literally everything I can. You know how most people study the intricacies of their profession? I want to learn how to use a snowman as a goalie. Like a true sicko (shoutout Sickos Committee), the more disgusting something is, the more I enjoy. An Iowa game is like an ISIS execution video.

Which is why I am ashamed for not knowing this rule. I can’t seem to find when they implemented this rule, but a very reliable message board told me that the rules changed in 2018 after the Ravens’ stunt. The rule is as follow:

If a safety results from a foul during the last play of a half, the score counts. A safety kick is made if requested by the receivers.

NFL Rulebook Rule 4, Sec. 8, Art. 2, Sub. (g)

This kind of makes my criticism go out the window, because time could have expired. Sure, is there a world where the Colts decide that they don’t want to take the punt. If that was the case, I would spending the blog calling Shane Steichen a coward. Just quick side note, I will call coaches a coward at the drop of a hat. Oh you didn’t go for 2 while down 14? Coward you will be judged accordingly when you meet the maker of your feeble flesh.

With that said, I’d like to formally apologize to one Cameron Johnston for some very nasty internal thoughts. You are still allowed to pull a Shane Lechler and eat barbecue every day at Pappas Bar-B-Q.

The Correct Texans Strategy

So now, knowing what I know, it really didn’t matter what Johnston did in terms of that one second. Would it be cooler if he completely ran down the clock? Sure, but again, if the Colts had foregone receiving the free kick, Jim Irsay would have saved that whale just to Looney Tunes-style drop it on the entire Colts coaching staff. But the Texans could have pulled a little sneaky play and ended the game.

Here’s what I would have done, because I would be a head coach who knows the rules. Since some UT punter was a big rugby punter, I’ve been a rugby punter supremacist. I love a good rugby punt; run a little to the right and then boot it downfield? That’s orgasmic.

Listen, just run to the right Johnston and pretend like you’re going to punt it. Because maybe you can burn a few seconds. We don’t want the Colts to even have a chance at the ball because the collective Houston sports PTSD is unbelievable; Chiefs flashbacks incoming. I am no special teams specialist (?), but there has to be a way to somehow waste 8 seconds without taking the safety. Sure, it is incredibly unlikely the Colts could score, because free kick punt coverage is way easier and manageable.

Either way the Texans won, and all Johnston had to do was punt that shit as high as possible. There will be some safety mastermind that comes along and figures out how to waste those 8 seconds. Until that time I am a firm believer in my rugby punt strategy.

Anyway, I believe I have to root for the Titans today, even though it feels like my name is and Arnold Palmer move.

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