Who here hasn’t been broken up with, gone on with life, and then like two years later you think of them out of the blue. And maybe you even went a step further and decided that you wanted to reach out to them. Maybe a simple hey there. Or maybe you reacted to their Instagram story with a fire emoji. Or you can be like Colin Kaepernick and beg your ex for a second chance.
Like honestly, I get it Colin. If I used to be part of the NFL I would also very much like to get there. Even the practice squad, which Colin was asking for, is a dream job. I would also like to be paid half a million to watch film and play football with the best (this is a message to the Houston Texans, I was like the third best quarterback in the high school park league).
To rectify the non-playing, Colin decided to write and send a letter to the Jets. The letter was leaked by J. Cole for some reason (I have not looked into it at all); this is the same man who said that if they don’t know your dreams they can’t shoot you down. I’m writing this specifically to shoot him down.
Colin is Kind of a Dick
Also, the letter in question is insanely condescending to the Jets for no reason:
“I hope this letter finds you in great spirits, despite the less than ideal start to the new season.” First off, what the fuck? This is like a text when your ex deletes all the pictures of her new guy, and you think you have a chance again. But you start that text with something like, “sorry it didn’t work out with that guy, always seemed like a dweeb to me.” Colin, there were so many better ways to start that than reminding the intern who had to read the letter about play 4 of the season.
He then says in the next paragraph, “I know the aspirations for this season were, and still are, to win a championship.” Second off Colin, what the fuck? The were is doing a lot of heaving lifting in this sentence. This is like saying “no offense” before saying that you look like you’re related to Shane Gillis. You clearly mean to say, “I know you’re not winning this season, so why not me.” To go back to the ex metaphor, this is like adding in a caveat about being their rebound.
BFFR
Also, Colin, come on it’s time to be realistic with what’s happened, whether it was fair or not. As part of his pitch, Colin says he can help the defense prepare for the likes of Patrick Mahomes, Russell Wilson, and Jalen Hurts. Third off Colin, what the fuck. That is like me telling a girl that I’ll be good practice for Ryan Gosling. We are both men who have existed in the world and that’s pretty much where the comparisons end.
The only comparison that makes some sense is the Russell Wilson comparison, and that is only because Russell Wilson is the human embodiment of a corn dog. The absolute audacity to compare himself to Patrick Mahomes. We don’t even compare other quarterbacks to Patrick Mahomes. He’s a singular being.
And I think he was trying to curry favor with the Jets’ front office because he keeps sucking off Zack Wilson to the point I was convinced Colin was a 40-something Utah housewife with a soda problem and a dead bedroom. “I believe a confident Zach Wilson has the tools to [win a Super Bowl].” “[N]ot putting competitive pressure on Zach Wilson.” And then he talks about the QB1 going down. Like Colin read the room, Aaron Rodger’s earthly body is still working to summon the celestial beings to fix his Achilles for the playoffs (not going to happen). At least wait until Week 5.
Also, Colin, its been 7 years. The reason that other quarterbacks, like Matt Ryan, are being touted is because they were recently in the league. Like speak all you want of his ability, but at least Matt is up-to-date on who Jacksonville has at free safety. It’s time to move on to coaching like everyone else.
This is just overall weird and lame letter. If you sent this kind of text to your ex, the girls group chat (probably named something really dumb like “The Slutmobile”) is going to destroy you. They are going to treat you like one of those Russian soldiers interviewing Ukrainian soldiers on the battlefield. They are going to hang you up on like Mussolini. And with how lame and weird this letter is, the internet is going to as well.
Outstanding feature
Insightful piece
great article