Welcome to the first iteration of a new series called Explaining the Internet. One of my favorite podcasts is called Reply All, a podcast about the internet. Even though it has gone the way of teen roadtrip movies, I am still inspired by exploring the utter nonsense that is the current internet. I feel the inexplicable need to understand every trend and story, to the point I am delusionally laughing at triple-layered memes that makes normal people go “cool dude” before they return to talking about to normaler people. This is also why I have a deep understanding of the Kate Middleton situation.
There is a joke that you can either have a girlfriend or be funny on the internet. I’d like to add an extra layer that you cannot understand every layered meme some account that used to be funny posts on Twitter. So, sorry ladies, I must fulfill my duties of being really on a sports blog and having Mensa-level understanding of internet culture. I have been banned from websites because I thought admins were taking things too seriously (we are both pathetic losers).
So why am I, the co-author of the fastest growing sports blog with Moon in it’s name, writing an explainer about Kate Middleton? Well in Reply All they had episodes where the hosts explained the internet to their internet-illiterate boss. So when Brian, co-author extraordinaire, asked me to explain the Kate Middleton situation and he couldn’t listen to five minutes of voice memos, this was the next best option. And doctors have described me as dangerously online. Thus, Explaining the Internet was born.
Who is Kate Middleton?
I was under the impression everyone knew who Kate Middleton is (possibly was). Turns out that is not the case. Apparently not everyone watched season 1 of The Crown and decided to learn everything about the royal family line. I also learned about every post-WW2 20th century UK Prime Minister (what are our thoughts on Anthony Eden?). To be fully fair to myself, I knew about Kate Middleton when she got married.
To make a very long history quite short, Kate Middleton is (probably) the future Queen. Once Charles dies of cancer in the next year or so and Prince William (her husband) takes the thrown, Kate will be Queen of England. Not like Elizabeth Queen of England. More like when they announce “welcome the new Mr. and Mrs. [Groom’s name]” at a wedding. She’s also the mother to the current second in line, Prince Louis. (If you’re confused: King Charles is the dad of Prince William who is married to Princess Kate, and William and Kate had Prince Louis). Prince Louis is of no relation to Louis Tomlinson, but in a way Prince Louis is in a very exclusive boy band.
Kate Middleton’s name is technically Catherine, Princess of Wales, but for the sake of this blog she is Kate Middleton. Kate is also a commoner. This just means she has no royal blood in her and there is very little incest happening (in that country there can never be none). I have done limited research but Kate Middleton may be the first commoner to marry into the Royal Family. By commoner I mean her family was already somewhat rich and had dealing with the royals before. But she wasn’t a royal or aristocrat.
I imagine the Diana saga imprinted Queen Elizabeth with the understanding if you don’t let someone marry for love, you’ll have to buy off some paparazzi. And Kate waited for that love, such that she even got the name “Waity Katie” from the British press. This is a woman who wanted to be Queen, and she is going to get it.
Why Does No One Know Where She Is?
It’s important to remember that the press in the UK is incredibly weird when it comes to the royal family. Here, if Hunter Biden snorts his coke the wrong way, Alex Jones and Marjorie Taylor Greene are on the White House lawn causing a scene. Say what you want about America, we will call our leaders andrenachrome-fueled pedophiles and investigate their children.
The UK is very different. The royal family essentially controls their own press. A press gaggle member can’t even ask a question without prior approval. Watch the following video for a better understanding of the UK press. (Note: I would embed this video. But embedding Dailymotion videos suck),
The reason there isn’t really any news, is because every reporter who has a contact within the Royal Family can’t use that contact. Either because that contact isn’t talking, or because the reporter is afraid of losing their access. And, it could even bring legal implications, of which the Crown always wins. It’s a weird country with weird laws and weirder media customs.
When Did We Last See Kate Middleton?
To figure out where Kate Middleton is, it’s probably a good idea to figure out when was the last time the public saw here. And I mean actually saw her. None of this convoluted grainy video we’re being force fed by the British aristocracy whose PR teams seems to think it’s still the 20th century. So here’s a rough timeline of Kate’s last days in the public view.
September to October, 2023
Kate Middleton appears in public with bandaged fingers from a trampoline accident. It takes a long time for the bandage to go away. This is really only important to the rehab theory.
December 22, 2023
William and Kate announce a planned trip to Italy in early 2024. Normally, trip announcements are reserved for annoying Instagram stories between OOTD posts. But there is a song and dance because they’re royals, and Italy is put on notice of their impending British arrival and a possible Church of England coup. This announcement will be important.
December 25, 2023
This is the last time that the public sees Kate Middleton, or for that, the children as well. There’s this thing the royals do on Christmas where they get all dressed up to shake hands with the people who don’t have something better to do on Christmas. They schmooze with the people and then they go back to their taxpayer-funded palaces.
Where is Kate Middleton?
This is where I have to take more of an objective tone, because the reality is no one seems to know. Rephrasing, no one outside the royal family seems to know. So bear with me as I try to report everything as it happened.
December 28th, 2023
Three days after we last saw Kate Middleton for sure, an ambulance and a royal convoy are seen leaving the residence where the whole Royal Family is. This is never explained nor mentioned by the royal press. No explanation has been given for this.
January 17th, 2024
It is revealed, by statement, that Kate Middleton is undergoing a procedure on her abdomen that has been planned. This, by the official reasoning, means it’s not appendicitis, nor is it any other surprise surgery. They also announce Kate Middleton will be out until after Easter, which is a relatively long recovery process. This is very weird, because of the planned Italy trip, but planned doesn’t always mean not spur of the moment. So they’re on thin ice.
January 18, 2024
Prince William, Kate Middleton’s husband, comes to visit her in the hospital. This is the only known visit by William during Kate’s time in the hospital “recovering” from surgery. He does not bring the children.
January 26, 2024
King Charles goes to the surgery center to visit Kate. This is the only known visit by him during her stay at the surgery center. Queen Camila does not accompany him, nor are the children brought along.
January 28, 2024
A reporter from Spain comes out and says she has information from a royal source who says Kate is in a coma. According to this source, the surgery went horribly wrong, choices had to be made, and now Kate Middleton is in a medically induced coma. She later doubles down on this story.
January 29, 2024
The Palace (it’s a synecdoche for the Royals, like how White House can mean President) comes out and says that Kate has been moved from the surgery center to Windsor Castle. This is incredibly weird timing, and feels like it’s a direct shot at the reporter. There are no pictures of Kate Middleton leaving the surgery center, nor are there any pictures of her being transported, nor of her arriving at the Palace.
January 31, 2024
The Palace comes out and refutes the Spanish journalist’s story. Probably a good PR move.
February 5, 2024
It’s announced that King Charles has cancer. There are a lot of things I could say here, like maybe this is revenge by the Catholic Church for breaking away, how has Joe Biden (proud Irish-American) been using our cancer space lasers, or a Diana joke. None of these will be made.
It’s also announced that Kate’s recovery won’t be three months (the Easter timeline), but will be nine months. Aaron Rodgers made it “back” from an Achilles faster than this.
February 9, 2024
The Palace announces that Kate Middleton is doing well, and has left Windsor Castle for the first time since returning home. She and the family go and visit Charles. There are no pictures of this event. Remember, the kids haven’t been seen since Christmas either.
February 20, 2024
William releases a statement about what is going on in the Middle East. Why? Who knows. But, he uses his personal seal, not the seal he and Kate have been using since their marriage in 2011.
February 27, 2024
William cancels an appearance at his godfather’s funeral last minute. That’s weird enough, but in the statement he clarifies Kate is doing well. (Side not: Am I crazy or is Constantine kind of a cool name?). At this point neither Kate nor the kids have been seen in 9 weeks.
February 29, 2024
The Palace tells us all to be quiet and act like good peasants. Stop asking where she is.
March 4, 2024
Welcome to the saga of the three pictures. Here is the first picture.
In an earlier section remember when I said the Royal Family controls everything about their image. Remember that. People are saying this is not Kate. Her face looks off, it looks swollen, it looks like she’s on some kind of steroids.
March 10, 2024
This date will be studied in PR classes for decades. “Kate Middleton” releases a Mothers’ Day picture (UK has a different Mothers’ Day), which is credited to William.
This picture is just to be like “hey see she is all good and everything is fine.” Whoever made this fucked up so badly that now the entire world is on Katewatch.1 There are so many Photoshop errors that it is plainly obvious this is not a real picture. It’s so bad the AP kills the picture for being doctored, so that no one will use it. When the AP reaches out to the Palace for the actual picture, they are told no.
Now, everyone is on notice something is going on.
On that SAME DAY, The Independent releases a story about William’s alleged mistress.
This is the weirdest soft launch in history.
March 11, 2024
Kate takes the blame for the doctored photo, claiming she just loves playing around with Photoshop. This is as believable as Bradley Cooper in Maestro.
There is another photo released of Kate, again in a car. Apparently this is her calling card.
There are questions on whether this is photoshopped. The brick was a point of contention, but it’s been disproven by Google Earth; the top brick is a house, and window brick is a wall. Is this Kate saying she doesn’t want to be seen.
March 18, 2024
I want everyone who has made it this far to remember that the Royal Family controls their own media. So, whenever TMZ obtains video of Kate at a farmers’ market with William, understand this is staged and given to the media outlet the Palace wants. In this case, an American outlet for the people concerned about Kate.
I’m just here to report the news, but Kate looks taller than usual here. I will let this TikTok explain why.
Author’s note: There used to be a TikTok here, but it was deleted. The gist was – she looks different.
So now, you’re caught up on the entire timeline. Today it was revealed that some hospital workers tried to obtain Kate’s medical records, but that doesn’t really matter (because they were caught).
Theories
There are a lot of theories as to what is happening and where Kate is. Some seem plausible. Some are theories I’d cook up for a listicle blog. So here’s a run down on the major and the fun theories.
Surgery
A very simple explanation. She has surgery for Crohn’s or a hysterectomy or maybe even a cosmetic surgery. She actually had surgery and is recovering.
Coma
That Spanish journalist was right and she was in a medically induced coma, but is fine now. Possibly still in the coma.
Rehab
This one is getting a lot of play because of Kate Middleton’s uncle. Kate Middleton’s uncle is on Celebrity Big Brother and said this very weird statement:
And remember the bandages on Kate’s fingers from September and October? Apparently bulimia causes finger damage. I obviously don’t want to speculate on Kate’s possible eating disorders. This theory makes sense for the lack of visits to the hospital and how weird she looks in pictures.
Side note, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh are on Celebrity Big Brother. You have to be deep into early X Factor videos for this to matter.
Mistress Power Play
Kate is tired of the mistress, she has been around forever, and with Charles probably dying within the next year, Kate is shoring up her position. I actually like this theory the best because it explains the absence of the kids well. She’s taken the kids to somewhere only she and her parents know. Now, the Palace is scrambling because they can’t find her and get her back.
The mom picture isn’t well explained by this theory, but maybe the Palace straight begged her to please come take one picture.
Divorce
William and Kate are getting divorced. The Palace is trying to soft launch this because it will not end well for William. This is also why William’s mistress is getting more play in the media as of late. It would also explain the absence of the kids.
She Got Diana’d
They killed her for being too likable, but have to announce through a soft launch. That’s why the Spanish journalist got the information. No one really believes her but it plants the seed.
Charles Organ Harvesting
Kate is being used as an organ farm for Charles so that he can maybe hit 5 years as King. I find this unlikely because I’m not sure they’d be an organ match. They may be using the younger boy, because he’s like 5th in line right now. Kate is distraught so they’re keeping her locked up.
Other Theroies
Other theories include that Kate Middleton is on the newest season of the Masked Singer, and she can’t be seen because then Ken Jeong would accurately say it was her.
Kate Middleton has left Prince William and is dating America’s rebound Pete Davidson.
There was also specualtion that Kate was playing the Unknown at the Willy Wonka Experience.
All of these are possible in my mind.
Why Does This Matter?
In essence the whole saga really doesn’t matter, especially to Americans viewing this as a soap opera. Love is Blind has nothing on Love is Possibly in a Coma. This is also incredibly funny because only Americans seem to care. I imagine it has something to do with all our political scandals being kind of lame these days. Oh the President is dementia-ridden? Yeah we can all tell when he walks around like a Roomba after a speech. The other candidate wants to invade Canada? Yeah he told us on Truth Social. All the intrigue is gone.
So to answer the question posed by the heading, this really probably doesn’t matter. This is just a fun exercise in mass PR failure and royal intrigue. Americans are fascinated by the Royal Family, because the closest family we had to being royal kept dying or getting lobotomized. I imagine she comes back to the public and we just never get any answers. Or she and William divorce and motorcycled paparazzi start receiving large payments of money.
This has been the first episode of Explaining the Internet. If you’d like me to explain the internet, contact me at Moon Stamp socials, or on Twitter.
Follow Moon Stamp Sports on Twitter/X, Instagram and Facebook, and follow Jorden on Twitter/X.
- I wanted to explain why I used the terminology I did there. One of my favorite shows is Bojack Horseman. That shows has a rule about the word “fuck”, where it is allowed once a season to show a relationship has been destroyed or there is a monumental shift in Bojack’s reality. I employ that same rule. ↩︎
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