Dear Scottie,
Not to start this by quoting Shaq, but to quote Shaq, Scottie Scheffler I was not familiar with your game. I released a whole blog after the Masters basically saying you were boring and needed a foil. I even went further and said that foil needed to be like Chael Sonnen to make up for your lack of personality. Little did I know the only thing stopping you from committing grand theft auto was the fact it may impact your golf game. And even when arrested you still show up to the course and go -5. A course called Valhalla, ironically, where you have been resurrected from the dead charisma and have become a bad boy of golf to fight for green glory forever.
I write this today on a week we all realized golf is back. For the last couple years it feels like we’ve been in a golf limbo. Maybe even Purgatory if Rory is the de facto leader of the PGA. (I had to check this because I didn’t want to inflame Northern Irish tensions and cause me and Brian to check under our cars every day). We started this week still in a weird place. LIV, for all the hype, is just Waste Management but way worse and feels like corporate nonsense. Every time I see a LIV event I see the word “synergy” scrawled across the sky.
The arrest is legitimately one of the best stories I’ve heard in a while. Let’s get this straight, the cop jumped on the car and you said “fuck this I’m going for the first down.” 10 yards later you’ve ruined a man’s pants, got yourself arrested, and changed the narrative surrounding yourself. Office Gillis (I’ll get to the name later) has permanently changed the course of your life. Instead of recognizing the world’s number one at the golf course, he’s now made you into the White Boy Carl of the PGA tour and golf world.
Not only that, you got physically manhandled by the cop, who, again, had just taken a ride on the hood. Gillis has now hit dufus levels only surpassed by you last week. Remember when Trump said he could murder someone
Scottie, you and Rory have changed the perception of golf in a week. We started this week hoping that someone would step up. Turns out all it takes is recreating Tiger in the aggregate. Rory is getting divorced for somehow playing too much golf. You’d think if you married a golfer you’d like him to play more golf so that Amazon Prime subscription never runs out. Turns out there is something as too much golf for a professional golfer. Next, we just need Xander Schauffele to start railing Olympic skiers to complete the Tiger trifecta.
Whenever you showed up at that Dallas bar after winning the Masters I gave you some props. But walking out of the clubhouse like Stone Cold at Wrestlemania has made me completely flip on you. You owe whoever created this Many Men edit all the endorsements you are about to make. I will buy Scottie Scheffler mugshot gear.
And you know what’s the most annoying part of this all? This is the perfect story. It has literally everything a true sicko like me could want. First, the entire situation is crazy. Why are they not all aware of which car THE guy is driving? Second, the guy’s name is Officer Gillis. Not only are we all thinking of that one Shane Gillis skit where he just starts pulling a gun (cop accurate), but this guy then goes in his report and talks about his $80 pants. The police department is spending as much money on tactical gear pants (I imagine he has more artillery than all of Somalia in those cargo pants) as I do on Levi’s jeans that can take a hurricane.
Also, I’m so mad I didn’t make this joke first. If I hadn’t been begging Centerpoint Energy for a reprieve this is the first thing I’d thought of.
So to end this apology: Scottie I am sorry. You are the coolest guy on the tour now. You are now a superstar, enshrined forever in a mugshot. Thank you for your service.
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