American Soccer Review – Week of Oct. 2

Jorden

Welcome to the first edition of the American Soccer Review. This is not a review, nor does it really talk about the MLS (I try so hard to get into it but I just can’t; I think it’s because the MLS is on when other American sports are on). This is genuinely just me, an American, talking about the biggest soccer stories of the past week to get ready for the upcoming week. This one also feels Premier League heavy, but that won’t usually be the case.

I’m going to reference this here, because its still when no one reads the blog, but I’ve always wanted to bring back old KICK TV. As my production for this evolves, so will the number of stories in the American Soccer Review.

What is an offside, or a red card?

This is a special first edition of the American Soccer Review because this was a big week for Liverpool to return to the 80s and get Margaret Thatchered. I am still genuinely furious after watching the game and the amount of times the officials just absolutely shat the bed. In that second Ted Lasso skit for NBC he told the audience to live by following the refs home. The good people of Liverpool need to take a page out of their Irish brothers’ book and do something.

I honestly was losing my mind watching this game, because Liverpool was, and has been, playing very well. After a season of watching Liverpool games between my fingers, this team has been genuinely enjoyable to watch. And then the refs literally fucked it like Zion every time he meets a new girl.

It all started with Curtis Jones getting a red card, which started as a yellow card. Was it a harsh tackle? Yes, most definitely. But here’s the challenge:

And on top of that there’s the Luis Diaz “offside” that was just a dumbass VAR ref who didn’t know the call on the field. Even if you know nothing about soccer, this clearly isn’t offside:

I have no clue if this was real, but I saw a Twitter thread from someone saying it was confirmed offside because the VAR official thought the call on the pitch was goal. That is an all time mishearing.

And it just kept fucking going. Liverpool had somehow not allowed another goal in and got another red card (technically two yellows). Even when my brother and I were playing FIFA trying to get exclusively red cards it was not that easy. I mean look at this, Jota didn’t even touch him.

And it just had to be Spurs. A stoppage time own goal was the only reason Spurs didn’t get a “Lads it’s Spurs.” Alexi Mac Allister said it best: “Normal when you play 12.”

Everyone Point at Manchester United and Laugh

I started watching soccer past the prime of Manchester United. By the time I tuned into the beautiful game they were already slipping into the shadow of blood money-Blue Moon next door. And this genuinely is the best Manchester United. Mid-table struggling Manchester United with the domestic violence issues of MLB pitchers, combined with players that hate being there – it is the chef’s kiss combo. This is like watching the Yankees falling apart in the last couple years.

Currently Manchester United is tenth in the table, and honestly that makes it even better. They can’t get mad because they’re terrible, but at the same time they’re not good enough to even challenge for a Champions League place.

But this is about how Jadon Sancho continues to be their worst signing for a long time, and I’m including Piers Morgan’s good friend Ronaldo.  Jaden Sancho is currently not allowed in the Manchester United facilities. He was something like a $100 million and I remember Man U fans chomping at the bits that he was the next English star; the next Beckham. Now he’s not even allowed in the facility. I love to see this.

Messiflation

I know I said I don’t really talk about MLS, but the Messi phenomenon was the Taylor Swiftification of the NFL before Travis Kelce had a great PR idea. Messi is hurt. No funny quips, just look at these prices.

The careers of multiple Inter Miami players died for this.

Balogun Goal

This won’t have any funny punchlines, and probably is not that interesting of a story if you didn’t follow the Balogun nationality switch. Long story short Englishman who had American citizenship by birth chose the USMNT over England. Is it because he probably would never have gotten on the team until the Red Baron shoots 1940s fighter pilot Harry Kane down? Yes. But he’s ours now and the spirit of Washington resides within him.

Anyway here’s his first goal for Monaco, and it’s a beauty.

And that’s it for the first edition of the American Soccer Review. As time progresses so will the content and how this is written. I’m hoping to take this to video one day.