Athletes Should Be Able to Bet on Themselves

There have been so many times I’ve tried to write this introduction, but it always sounds like a middle school paper intro. “Sports betting is becoming a big deal,” “Sports betting has a big impact on the culture,” and “Sports betting is cringe when down but skibidi when up.” All of these are great options, but none of them capture the feeling I’m going for. Because today, July 4th, I am focused on the most American ideal of all. No, I’m not talking about freedom, or farmers finding minerals in the middle of Iowa, or even monuments to the “World’s Largest [Insert object – like boot, cow, or corn palace]”. I’m talking about doing indomitable stupid shit because we can. Like having athletes bet on themselves.

As Jontay Porter spends his July 4th waiting for the indictment from the feds over his gambling, I can’t help but feel for him. I wrote a couple months back about how it feels like we’re jumping the shark when it comes to sports betting. Overall legalization has become cool, but the seep and creep into actual sports coverage has been, to put it easily, odd. I don’t expect anyone to read this (readers these days include smut readers (porn addicts) and men with disparate political opinions (if he reads he’s on a list somewhere), but it’s about the weird visual dichotomy of guys going down for betting as LeBron is sponsored by DraftKings.

So here we are, watching the feds get involved, which begs the question – why not let the boys parlay? What’s the point of making that much money and not getting to blow some? Blow and hookers can only take a man so far. It seems unfair to have sports betting on the screen with Calvin Ridley lines while he had to spend more time out of the locker room than Ray Rice. Or Deshaun’s actual suspension and not the lockout. I propose all league allow the boys to play. Even if tweets like this exude a growing up that no longer exists.

Obviously we need limits so here are a few lines I propose:

1. Only betting the over on yourself. Betting on the under for yourself makes you a coward. Anyone can hit under 3.5 threes. It takes a special player to put $50,000 on an unachievable over and hit it. If there are incentive-based contracts, why can’t there be incentive-based gambling? Want to make the regular NBA season fun? Allow players to bet on themselves in the most heinous way. Want James Harden to play defense? Over 1 block in the game. He’s getting in a defensive stance the moment possession changes for a couple g’s he can blow at an LA club that night.
   
2. Only betting on your team to win. Another obvious one. Shoeless Joe Jackson died for the sins of cowards who should have just bet on themselves to win. Again, any player can throw the game. Want Tommy Pham to play his heart out in game 102? Allow him to kill the Cubs. This also includes taking futures to make the playoffs or win the playoffs. Losing is not allowed; Mamba mindsets only when dealing with bookies, as Ippei knows very well.
   
3. Bet on your rivals to lose. This includes league rivals. Hey, do you still hate the Astros for what happened in 2017 that everyone else was doing? Bet on their downfall (you’ll always lose money). Oh, the Jacksonville Jaguars are going to win the division? Prey on the fact that Trevor Lawrence is the Sampson of the NFL and only kept afloat by his hair and the fact there were not true AFC South kingpins until the Texans picked up the savior of Houston football.

What I’m saying is that if the American ideal is pull yourself up by your bootstraps (or cleats in this case), why not let the boys parlay on themselves? You have losers like Grant Cardone (Scientologist) and Andy Elliot selling courses for their financial freedom (swindlers and snake oil salesmen). Why not let guys who actually put something on the line for their money make some back. On this fourth of July, on this sacred holiday blessed by the blood of Patriots in the turf let’s take back some freedoms. Nay sayers and treasoners (like US Soccer) want nothing more than the spirit that made this country. We used to make steel and now we are confined by betting lines set by stooges who won’t even allow men to be men. I say if you want to God bless the USA, you must first let them boys parlay.

Thanks for the real Commander in Chief, Joey Chestnut, for the blessing he’s bestowed upon on and the nitrates he’s ingested for our entertainment. Be incredibly irresponsible tongith – it’s what the Founders (chill dudes except Alexander Hamilton who was shot 10 years too late) would have wanted.

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