If you remember way back to a week ago, I said I enjoy hypothetical betting since I don’t live in a state where I can legally sports gamble. You’ll also recall that I use the eye test and the heart to make my picks for the most part, so don’t expect me to be a sharp and/or make you rich (if you’re able to bet yourself). This is just a fun way to make every game interesting or have something to cheer for in games that I couldn’t care less about. This week has some fun games and some stinky ones, which I label them as such as we go on. For the record I thought the Lions/Ravens game was going to be the most fun game of the year and I don’t think I’ve been more wrong in my entire life. Let’s have some fun and roll out the picks shall we? Onto the Week 9 Hypothetical Betting Picks.
Fun! Miami Dolphins vs Kanas City Chiefs:
Last years this would be a hammer the over pick before I even look at the line (50.5), but with Taylor Swift now back on her Eras Tour (trigger words, clicky clicky, baby) I don’t know if this will be a shootout. Without the swifties good vibes propelling the Chiefs offense I am hesitant to take it. But never count out Mahomes and this Dolphins offense FUCKS. So yeah. I think that just talked me back into it. The Dolphins will also have been over in Germany several days before the Chiefs. Picks: Over (50.5) and Dolphins (ML)
Stinky! Arizona Cardinals vs Cleveland Browns:
Kyler Murray is back is not playing. Josh Dobbs got traded. Browns have one of the best defenses in the NFL. This is an easy one (almost guaranteed to miss now that I’ve said anything). Pick: Browns (-8)
Fun! Seattle Seahawks vs Baltimore Ravens:
I know the hype around Geno’s return is so last year, but I can’t help myself from cheering him on. This game has the makes to be one of the best and most fun games of the weekend! It is known that Lamar Jackson OWNS the NFC though and with Zay Flowers betting better and better every week? I think they can win by more than a touchdown. But that doesn’t mean Seattle won’t put up some points too. Picks: Ravens (-6) and Over (44)
Stinky Fun! Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs Houston Texans:
HOMER PICK HOMER PICK. But only because I think last weeks major offensive step back was a fluke. Now the Bucc’s do have a good defense and this type of game screams Baker Mayfield from the top rope, but I’d still take Texans by more than a Field Goal. CJ Stroud is our future and we must believe and support him. Even through bets. Even through hypothetical bets. Pick: Texans (-3)
Stinky! LA Rams vs Green Bay Packers:
Jordan Love STINKS! I have zero belief in him (this year). Even at home, they are some how favored. I know the Rams aren’t amazing, but they’re two years removed from a Super Bowl and unlike Belichick, I’m always late to the party to acknowledge a team just isn’t good anymore. This game is going to be a stinker. Pick: Rams (+3)
Stinky Stinky Stinky! Washington Commanders vs. New England Patriots:
This might be the stinky game of the week. Evil Empire has fallen so far and the Commanders are off a defensive line fire sale. I hate this game. I guess I must believe in the fake lighthouse, because I’m going with the remnant of a once great empire. Picks: Don’t watch this game, Patriots (-3) and Under (41)
Fun! Minnesota Vikings vs Atlanta Falcons:
Fun?? How is this game fun?? Well any game Tyler Heinicke is apart of is going to be a good time. It’s the same with Jameis Winston. If they’re playing in a game, I will watch. This game has real shit show potential and sometimes it’s hard to turn your head away from a car crash. This game will probably be a stinker, but unlike the previously mentioned game, it has so much fun upside. And what’s the most fun (hypothetical) bet in sports? Pick: Over (37)
Also Josh Dobbs is fun too
I have no earthly idea! Chicago Bears vs New Orleans Saints:
If Justin Fields is playing, it’s a fun game. If Derek Carr doesn’t suck a whole ass, it could be fun. If Jameis Winston plays it’s a goddamn BLAST. I don’t know, I really don’t. Pick…I guess: Bears (+8.5) and pray Justin Fields plays.
Oh God Why! Indianapolis Colts vs Carolina Panthers!
I won’t lie. I didn’t go through the schedule and make notes prior to writing this. I take it back, this has the real potential to be stinker of the week. UNLESS, Gardner Minshew plays. Just like Winston and Heinicke, he’s just a fun QB. Doesn’t always mean good, but fun is fun, dammit. The Panthers are coming off their first win of the season though, which big ups to them I feel sorry for whatever team gave it up to them. Crazy that the Texans didn’t play last week and they still got marked down for a loss somehow. Oh well. Pick: Colts (-2.5) and Under (44)
IT’S GETTING WORSE! New York Giants vs Las Vegas Raiders:
Schedule maker should be fired for this week alone. Good God, the Giants don’t have a QB and the Raiders are just not fun to watch. For now. They are starting Aidan O’Connell which we’ll find out if he learned anything under professional thief Jimmy G. I will be cheering for his success because his name reminds me of one of my favorite Star Fox characters, Wolf O’Donnell. The Shadow to Fox’s Sonic. A sentence many thought would never be typed. Anyways, Pick: Raiders (-1.5)
FUN FUN FUN! Jerry Jones vs Philadelphia Eagles:
Please, dear God, I need the Eagles to win. I work with several Cowboys fans and I catch myself in hot water all the time spouting (much deserved) hatred towards that team. On the other hand, a buddy of mine who just got married is a Cowboys fan so, it’s not the end of the world if they win. But, just like the baseball team from southern Oklahoma, I will take them to win. That way if they do emerge victorious, all is not lost to me. Picks: Cowboys (+3) and Over (47)
BANGER! FUN! SENSATIOINAL! Buffalo Bills vs. Bengals:
Since Tom Brady retired, I’ve needed a new man crush QB. After a long, hard, five minute search I settled on Josh Allen and Joe Burrow. This is a fight for my heart. My love. This is partially a lie. My poor significant other as had to deal with me ranting and raving over my boy Joe Cool. He even made me cheer for LSU when he was there. Enough about boys though *stares longingly at the SNF game. This game being fun or not completely depends on which Bills we get. If we get the Bills that dropped a 48 piece then this game will fucking RULE. The Bengals have found their mojo again and if the Bills show up, this game might be the perfect way to end a weekend of oddly stinky games. Leave a nice taste in our mouth please. That’s all I ask of this weekend. Picks: Bengals (-2) and HAMMER the Over (50.5)
Next time I will have some player props/parlays to give as well. Shout out BNS for the BNS TD Parlay, which is just three buddies of mine just picking someone to score every Sunday and I hypnotically parlay them. I might tweet that out before kick off. Since it’s not a blog of mine without a shameless plug (twitch.tv/auricpoalris) I just wanted to let you know that I finished Pikmin 1 on stream and lost 70 plant men. May the rest easy. Next game I’m planning on starting is Paper Mario 1, Sunday Night around 11:15 pm. Be well and enjoy your weekend. Debating doing a follow up blog on how things went and a MNF preview on Monday morning. Until then, amigos!
