Should the UH Loss be Blamed on Ted Cruz and Drake?

I write this as a man conflicted in his soul. This blog was supposed to go out on Saturday, but I could not bring myself to enter the realm of social media. My worry last week had been losing to Duke destroying my love of March. The sports media is infested with commentators from the B1G and the ACC, so the entire week was spent listening to talking heads praise how good Duke was at every aspect of basketball. UH was an afterthought, with the wayward mention of Shead and the Big 12.

I was ready to face the Damar Hamlin of college basketball and the Tik Tok star. Little did I know more sinister forces were in the works. For the second year in a row, a floor cleaner is to blame for UH’s March Madness injury bug. Few things are harder to watch than a teenager behind the basket not fully engaged in wiping the sweat of the gladiators off the court. They are the offensive lineman of the court crew; if someone breaks an ankle they should be hauled to jail, but if they do their job right I shouldn’t notice them.

I’m not here to blame the players. Asking the team to shift how it plays on the fly is very hard, especially with the lack of depth the Cougars were already dealing with. I’ve written already how Shead is the most valuable defensive player in the nation. And Kelvin Sampson has talked about how the offense runs through Shead. So, when that guy goes down, undoubtedly the most important player and leader on the court, things will not go to plan. (Hey NBA teams, just take a look at this please).

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that the players could have done better. I’m also not going to sit here and give Duke flowers (as they lose to NC State), because I think they’re a soft team. If Duke goes to the Final Four, Purdue and Edey (refs) will kill them. But I won’t blame the newly minted adults. No, I will blame the two men who love cursing teams: Drake and Ted Cruz.

Drake Changes Teams

Drake is one of the corniest people on the planet. At least Russel Wilson is a cornball who doesn’t exploit his children and acts like a dad. And, are we just going to forget the whole Millie Bobby Brown thing? No one considered checking Drake’s hard drive?

Even in all that, the worst thing Drake does is pretend he’s part of a team. He also team hops around colleges, which I think is one of the biggest crimes. I have a whole blog cooked in my mind about how supporting a college you didn’t go to is one of the dorkiest moves (exceptions apply, but not for a Canadian).

For some reason Drake is in Houston now, and Tilman Fertitta has decided to insert him into UH. I know he’s UH’s sugar daddy, but the way he constantly inserts himself is annoying. He should still be ashamed for how he handled the Hofheinz naming ordeal. Also, why is his name on the med school?

With all that said, one of his worst decisions was inviting Drake to a UH basketball function.

That’s literally the definition of inviting a fox into the henhouse. And there is no sexy dad cow to defend against the Drake Curse. FanDuel has a whole page dedicated to researching and chronicling the Drake Curse. How much of a cursed person do you have to be for a betting company to have a research page dedicated to avoiding you?

Disgusting. Sad. Investigate his hard drive and keep him away from UH next season.

Ted Cruz Ate My UH

Ted Cruz, in the last year, has become the kryptonite of Houston sports teams. For some reason his voodoo magic doesn’t work on the Rangers, but I assume they also paid him for that. But, in the last years, he’s been a death knell for every team he has supported. FanDuel should have research on him too.

And in the ALCS last year, Ted Cruz effectively killed the Astros by showing up to games. I’m not sure what the team did in 2022 to stave off the Ted Cruz curse. Maybe they offered him an all inclusive trip to Cancun. (This joke was easy but what an absolute dufus to pull that move going to Cancun?). So when I saw this video, I should have known UH was doomed.

Also, what an absolute fraud with his bracket. First off, he didn’t even do the entire bracket. That’s such a lame move, he probably had some intern do the first part for him. Second, this man clearly does not know ball, only choosing Texas teams. I’ve never seen a man who panders more than that time Mitt Romney became a Celtics and then Jazz fan. Like bro, you went to Harvard, just support Yale or something. Picking only Texas teams is not going to make people like you.

I should have known what was going to happen. UH was doomed the moment the man set hsi bracket in motion.

Also, I don’t want to write a whole section about this, but has anyone thought about blaming Jordan? I expect Nike stock to tank tomorrow morning.

This next week I will write an ode to UH basketball, and probably one to Iowa State. I am still devastated and have only been able to watch basketball today, only to be turned off by Purdue ball. At least Filipowski fouled out.

But, I will personally blame Drake and Ted Cruz for this forever. And to answer the title of this blog – yes it should.

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