After spending a week procrastina-….taking my time to think on and not wanting to rush this blog, I think it’s time I talk about my Texans regular season predictions. This is just my initial thoughts on how the season will go as I try my best to limit my expectations. This team is young and still has some growth to go through, but Super Bowl aspirations are whispering in my ear like Grima Wormtongue.
Week 1: Texans @ Colts
To me, a seasoned PTSD riddles veteran of the Colts kicking the ever living shit out of us, they are the greatest threat to us in the AFC South. Honestly, I think they were a heathy Anthony Richardson away from winning the division and the young gun is back. But that was last year. The Texans have improved just about everywhere and I’m excited to rewrite the history between these two teams. Texans over Colts, 28-17. (1-0)
Week 2: Bears @ Texans
The home opener being a Sunday Night Game and against a fully loaded Bears team has me a tad nervous. I think people outside of Chicago have overlooked the Bears this year because we’re just so used to the “Lol Bears” narrative. I truly (as much as I don’t want a USC bastard to be successful) think Caleb Williams is the answer at QB that the Bears have been searching for. I think CJ is and will be better plus he has experience at the NFL level, so I’ll take the Texans starting 2-0 on the season. Texans over Bears 24-21. It’s going to be a late night though and I’m happy that I get to take the next day off unlike my unfortunate future father-in-law (humble brag and slick way to state that I got engaged, sorry David, this is not a shot at you). (2-0)
Week 3: Texans @ Vikings
I think the Vikings got significantly worse this off-season, but I’m not going to complain about that. Their offense is still chalked full of talent which should make JJ McCarthy’s life easier, but I think this is an easy cruise to 3-0. Texans over Vikings 35-17. (3-0)
Week 4: Jaguars @ Texans
Holy shit, we’re starting 4-0. I think the Jaguars are going to finish 4th in the AFC South and Trevor Lawrence will continue to be made excuses for. This 100% won’t come back to bite me in my ass and my friend Doctor Lieutenant Davis will not be very mean to me in the after math. Not at all. Texans over Jaguars 27-10. (4-0)
Week 5: Bills @ Texans
Josh Allen is a monster and should be feared…most of the time. But with us taking his best weapon away from him and the Bills not improving much in the off-season I’m not very scared. But after a 4-0 start, I feel like this could be a let down spot. Just a hunch (yes PMT bias and glazing for Josh has influenced me). Bills Over Texans 27-17. (4-1)
Week 6: Texans @ Patriots
Rookie head coach and rookie QB on a rebuilding squad? Light work, smoke that Patriots Pack. Texans over Pats 31-15 (5 field goals). (5-1)
Week 7: Texans @ Packers
While it’ll be chilly up north it won’t be quite a southern team playing in Lambo winter stormy cold. I still don’t feel great about playing at Lambo ever though. Packers over Texans in a tight one, 24-21. (5-2)
Week 8: Colts @ Texans
Feels like a small losing streak will be coming our way after a hot hot start. Colts love playing in Houston and I think Anthony Richardson will be pretty comfortable by then. But it’ll be close. 27-24 Colts. (5-3)
Week 9: Texans @ Jets
I don’t care about the outcome of this game, I’m more worried about us going to MetLife and coming out healthy. It also depends on what Aaron Rodgers shows up. But I like our chances. He’s like 40 coming off a repaired Achilles surgery mixed in with some weird voodoo shit. Texans over Jets 24-21. (6-3)
Week 10: Lions @ Texans
Points points points! Take the over. No. HAMMER the over. Both Jared and CJ are throwing for 300 and 3 TDs each, with both ground games hammering 2 in.
Wait
Wrong blog. I do think it’ll be raining points, but I think we’ll outlast the Lions at home. I hope this is a Super Bowl preview. Texans over Lions 38-35. (7-3)
Week 11: Texans @ Cowboys
Week 12: Titans @ Texans
I have no idea what the Titans are going to be like this year. They made a lot of moves and let a good amount of people walk too. I guess it’s mainly dependent on Will Levis and if his mayonnaise in coffee having ass (shout out my guy Shipmate) takes a step forward. But I think we come out on top. Texans over Titans 28-17 (9-3)
Week 13: Texans @ Jaguars
Lol Jaguars. Texans Over Jags 35-17. (10-3)
Week 14:
Sweet Baby Jesus, it’s the BYE Week. Get rest and get healthy
Week 15: Dolphins @ Texans
Hammer the over again. I really like us coming off the BYE and the dolphins have a lot of injury prone players so playing them this late in the year might have it’s advantages. I love love the over though. Texans over Dolphins 38-31 (11-3)
Heads up. I think this is where things start going bad for a bit.
Week 16: Texans @ Chiefs
I truly think we’re going to watch one of the worst Super Bowl Hangovers of all time. I think the Chiefs will come out the gate really sloppy, but this late in the season will have figured things out. But now that I’ve said that, they’re going to be 17-0 and 3 peat champs. Patrick Mahomes that green frog Kermit fuck is just too damn good to ever count out. That pains me to say. They’re inevitable. Chiefs over Texans 31-24. (11-4)
Week 17: Ravens @ Texans
Unfortunately, this game falls on Christmas and while I think it’s going to be one of the best games all season, family comes first. My future in-laws are hosting Christmas for their side of the family and so in between presents, dinner, and hanging out I’m going to be stealing glances at the game, hoping for a bonus present with a win. Sadly, I do think Lamar Grinchson will have his day as we fall for a second week in a row to a green creature. Ravens over Texans 28-17. (11-5)
Week 18: Texans @ Titans
Once again, the Titans are the only unknown team, in my opinion, that we play. I think I’ll play it safe and just say we split the season with them, but at 11-5 we already have the AFC South locked up. So Titans over Texans 21-17 to finish the year (11-6)
Two years ago if you told me this would be our schedule and we’d finish 11-6 I’d have laughed in your face and told you don’t know ball. Now, as a person that likes to think he knows ball and ultimately gets his knocked around by the ever evolving beast that is football, I’m nervous. I can’t wait to look back at this and see how I did. Can it be football season already?
