Years ago, when I watched the first season of The Boys, I realized that we don’t race as adults. More specifically, there are no organized races between athletes outside of sporting events. As Jake Paul, along in some ways with Creator Clash, has brought celebrity boxing to the mainstream, we should do the same with racing.
The idea of a race to settle who’s faster is cemented in the youthful folly and idealists of the elementary school playground. A challenge had to be taken, and a loss resulted in an unrequited loss of athletic honor. It’s similar to the Chinese Social Credit system, in a way. Especially if the girls we’re watching, you were subject to humiliation and banishment only used by Bronze Age civilizations (teachers were the Sea People, interrupting the fun out of nowhere).
So that’s why, since Tyreek Hill challenged Noah Lyles, I am so for the idea of a race.
We here at Moon Stamp Sports are no strangers to the Noah Lyles “World Champions” meta that gives Europeans way too much confidence to speak on American sports. Not only have I written a blog about it, but we’ve released two TikToks (and on other platforms) about Noah Lyles.
As much as I want to like Noah Lyles, as an unabashed Yu-Gu-Oh fan, I just can’t bring myself to it. The arrogance with which he parades his opinions around annoys me. Yes, Noah, the Celtics are World Champions. No, Europeans, your team of ex-NBA players and players who couldn’t even make the G League are not going to run the table on the Celtics.
And it’s his hubris that annoys me so much. He went after gold medalist, Ant, this week, who he degraded for not having gone to an NBA Finals. Noah Lyles also wants a shoe, which I imagine will sell really well at the intersection of the Sportsball and “Um Actually” crowds. Noah Lyles favorite athlete is Noah Lyles; in a way, he’s kind of like Kanye. So expect him to run for President and marry Kendall Jenner along the way.
Race Like Batman
There’s an old explanation that Batman doesn’t have to actually beat Superman. All Batman has to do is land a punch. Because then he’s shown the invincible alien that he is just vincible. If Tyreek Hill races Noah Lyles, Tyreek doesn’t actually have to win. Sure, he’s put it out there that he thinks he can win. But Noah Lyles has an Olympic gold medal in the 100 meters. Tyreek needs Tua to stop throwing so many hospital passes so maybe he’ll remember what condoms are. (I say this as someone with a dangerous amount of love for the Dolphins).
There’s also precedent for this. Remember when DK Metcalf ran the 100 meters against a bunch of sprinters?
If you watch the full clip you’ll notice a couple of things. First, the announcers are pretty amazed by the entire moment. Sure, DK Metcalf got eighth, but that’s not the point. It’s the Superman-Batman thing again. DK got eighth, but he kept up. He ran a 10.36, which maybe isn’t the fastest sprinter in the world, but it’s incredibly fast. Second, and this is somewhat of an exaggeration, but this man looks like he’s 100 pounds heavier than everyone running. DK Metcalf is a freak athlete, sure. But it also shows something else – elite WRs can keep up with elite sprinters.
Tyreek is also no stranger to sprinting. He’s recorded some best times of 9.98 and 10.19 (the 9.98 was wind-assisted). For reference, Noah Lyles gold medal run a couple of weeks back was 9.79. That was also his personal best and assisted by wind at 1.0 m/s (I have no idea what that actually means for his time). Again, this is not to say that Tyreek could beat Noah Lyles, but it is to say, he’d at least be close. And it’s not about Tyreek winning, it’s about showing Noah Lyles he’s not this philosopher he thinks he is.
Celebrities and Europeans
There are two reasons why America needs this. First, and this may be a personal want, I think celebrity racing should be put into the cultural lexicon up there with celebrity boxing. I just think it’d be cool if we saw foot racing become a bigger beef settler. America also needs this because all our celebrity boxing beef is organized by Jake Paul. I don’t like Noah Lyles but he’s just annoying like a fly. He’s not in the same category.
But, more importantly, Noah Lyles’ comments have given Europeans a little too much confidence to speak on American sports. I am a European sport enjoyer; the Premier League starts this weekend and I cannot wait to see how Arne Slot’s Liverpool plays. But I’m smart enough to see the cultural context in which those sports exist. You don’t see me coming on here trying to put an American understanding of sport and champions into European sports. It’s just a different world, because of the way things are set up; read that as – there are no college sports or drafts or really trades. It’s a different world (some may say the Old World).
If you ever see the “World Champions of What” comment discussed online, there is a hoard of snobb-obsessed Euros and dumb Americans who try to defend the comment. Even go into our comments section and you’ll see just some of the worst logic in the world. “Well, the Celtics don’t play Real Madrid so they can’t be world champions.” Buddy that French team or Spanish team or Brazilian team that won the FIBA Intercontinental Tournament is not the world champion. The Celtics’ bench would murder them.
And that’s why Tyreek needs to race Noah Lyles. Can you imagine if he actually beat him? The absolute shame that would befall all his defenders. An NFL player, a player who rebutted the entire statement already, beat this Olympian. And so, maybe, the entire world champion debate would finally be quelled at the finish line.
I also just think the trash talk might be cool. Can you imagine both of them unfiltered? And you know every other sport would get in on this. Like how Team USA Basketball showed up to the 100-meter semifinal, every NBA player would come out to cheer Tyreek on. And the MLB. And the NFL. Maybe even the NHL. And, who knows, we might see a miracle.
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