As we teeter further into the 2024 earthly cycle, the American wasteland once again welcomes the Great Game. Television has mostly died as a live medium, outside of sports. And if there is one yearly dance that brings the most Americans together, it’s the Super Bowl, or the Harry Potter marathons on Freeform during Christmas (I am a Harry Potter hater because no one mentions the Bulls during the eight movies).
While Brian has blessed us with his “hypothetical” bets (he’s a huge fan of the Fourteenth Amendment), I’m here to give predictions of what will happen during the game. While Brian can demonstrate the behemoths of lines that will face each other in the trenches (I am going for WW1 imagery because I finally watched All Quiet on the Western Front), I will try to predict what our gridiron overlords will bestow upon our ADHD-ridden eyes.
When all of this happens, please put me and Nostradamus in the same New York Times category.
Brock Purdy Throws Two Interceptions
I want to start this section with the fact I love Brock Purdy. The problem with Brock Purdy is he is the appendix of a triathlete. Does he serve a purpose? Absolutely. The purpose, though, is to throw the ball and hand it off. The Shanahan system (one day to be termed “Idiot Proofed Football”) is more dependent on players reading an active defense, using predetermined fixes (I know this sounds like every audible, but I promise I kind of know ball). Purdy also isn’t a long ball guy. Remember that ball he threw in the NFC Championship that was incredibly lucky?
So with all that, and with the fact there’s way more pressure than a normal game and the fact it’s the Chiefs defense he’s throwing at least two interceptions. One pretty normal one, maybe six minutes left in the second quarter. Last one will be with 3 minutes left in the fourth. That will be the crucial one. He will then go on to have a terrible season next year.
Nick Bosa Records a Sack
Though Nick Bosa was hoping for the Ravens to make the Super Bowl for “reasons”, he’s been gifted an ample opportunity for sackage. There’s really no analysis here, other than he comes in, records a sack, and pledges allegiance to Donald J. Trump. He then looks directly at Travis Kelce and says “for Aaron” like Aragorn at the end of Return of the King.
Nick Bosa will then go on to run for Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco seat, pledging less insider trading. He will make millions on shorting Tesla.
Kadarius Toney Returns and Drops Every Pass
Picture this: the Chiefs are down by 14 entering the fourth quarter. Patrick Mahomes has been using those laser and eyes and Achilles-level valor to vanquish the 49ers. But injuries pile up, and defenses are secure and locked down like your dad’s files. There is no hope left, and Andy Reed sits down on the sideline, giving up hope to become the modern dynasty of dynasties (surpassing the Patriots). And then, the glass breaks and our walks Kadarius Toney from injury, bringing a steel chair and the iron will of the front lines and the heart of mustard gas.
Then Mahomes, feeling emboldened will throw to him. At that point, Toney will drop every pass thrown to him, each time asking the refs for a pass interference call. He will never get it. He will then be killed by Jackson Mahomes, looking for a release from his FOMO anger.
Jim Nantz and Tony Romo Ascend From Our Plane
Some men are not made to inhabit our future and deteriorating Earth. There are men, who in the latter days will be taken away, either by God, aliens, or some indescribable, interstellar force. As Greg Olsen catches up the mental invincibility of Tony Romo, he will called to return home. Once the Lombardi trophy is handed to the Cowboys (a surprise entrant), Tony and Jim, hand in hand will recite the neolithic verses etched in the stone football.
Jim, fresh off his NCAA tournament retirement, will say “goodbye friends” as light akin to the Kings winning blasts into the sky. Their disappearance will prove that the Heaven’s Gate cult is correct, as Nike stocks sore.
Travis Kelce Proposes to a Pregnant Taylor Swift
One of my niche jokes that only I get it to send this picture when people are talking about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
There is a blog ruminating in my brain about how I’m a single issue voter: who will force Taylor Swift to give birth. I am a worrier about the birth rate in this country, so I, a The Daily listener and intellectual, am proposing the only solution I can think of. Troves of white women will feel an unnatural calling to have a baby, revitalizing Babies R Us.
After the Chiefs win the game, Travis, at midfield, flanked by Rodger Goodell (his future best man), will get down one knee and say “I love you girl, will you be my bitch.” She will say yes, then posting on Instagram that the Tortured Poets Department is her womb.
A second American Golden Age will begin. Taylor Swift will go on to become President and die in office during her tenth term.
Follow Moon Stamp Sports on Twitter/X, Instagram and Facebook, and follow Jorden on Twitter/X.
