Back during the Trump presidency, a news story appeared about Greenland. According to insiders, Trump had floated an idea out there about buying Greenland. Every commentator immediately denounced the idea as ridiculous. But at that time I saw the bigger plan. You see, back during the War of 1812 there were thoughts about invading Canada and taking it as America’s own. I even drew a helpful diagram at that time of how Greenland’s acquisition could help with this plan.
The math, in my mind, was pretty sound. “Smarter” heads prevailed and obviously America did not buy Greenland. All of us who were War of 1812 completionists sighed and realized our day would never come. That was until Greenland applied for CONCACAF membership.
A CONCACAF-y Greenland
This blog is going to double as a reason why CONCACAF should admit Greenland. I am going to assume that you have a basic understanding of regionality in world soccer. If not, there’s an explainer in here about the different confederations and how it all fits together. America is a part of CONCACAF. The only real way to explain CONCACAF is by making you look at this picture, on the night the US lost out on playing in the 2018 World Cup.
It is a dangerously unserious confederation. I’ve compared it to mid-major conferences during college football season. I remember things occurring during UH’s time in the American and thinking, “This is so CONCACAF-y.” Until this past week, I was pretty unaware that CONCACAF had a habit of admitting nations that the UN does not recognize. To be fair, these are usually islands owned by/territories of another state (i.e., the US Virgin Islands), and are just fun teams to have around. They’re like the Montenegro of CONCACAF.
While Iceland is a member of UEFA (and a slayer of England), Greenland can’t be. This makes some sense because UEFA prides itself on being vaguely serious and also the home of FIFA. We, in the Americas can get away with games where piss is thrown on the field. Some people hate it, but I genuinely love the nonsense that occurs during any CONCACAF tournament. No European national team would survive a CONCACAF hex, or even a Gold Cup. And to be fair, with its European ownership and sensitivities, I’d think that having Greenland play the Dominican Republic during hurricane season would make America happy. Greenland, though, can’t join UEFA because it’s not an independent state recognized by the UN.
If Greenland were admitted to CONCACAF, I think it would join the North American region. And it fits in surprisingly well history-wise. Controlled by a European country, but kind of in the New World? Check. Stunning natural beauty that Europeans take for granted because it’s not in Croatia or Scotland. Another check. Have Europeans degraded your soccer team (Daddy Denmark did not support their addition)? Three checks and you’re in.
This is also where Greenland plays soccer.
I genuinely think it fits. It would also be a good way for the CONCACAF teams to have some exhibition games. You’ve heard of the Snow Clasico, but get ready for the “I Can See the North Pole From My House” Derby. I’ve really not seen anything on where CONCACAF’s mind is, but I think Greenland fits perfectly. Also, what’s more American (because of North America) than mistaking Greenland and Iceland for each other? “Oh, I loved the Mountain in Game of Thrones.” “No, that’s the other island.”
Why Invade Canada?
If you’re an American asking this question you are a threat to national security and should be dealt with swiftly. Why invade Canada? Because it’s our God-given right as Americans to take every territory we want. Ride in there on an Abrams tank (avoiding any Boeing-engineered planes and assassination attempts), playing Fortunate Son (wilfully misinterpreted), and waiving a Dale Earnhardt flag. I also learned from a young age that every country belongs to America.
While doing research for this paragraph I was going to say something about the United States really being the leaders of CONCACAF. Just look at where the 2026 World Cup is mostly taking place. And we were the ones who took down Sepp Blatter and some corruption in FIFA (Loretta Lynch can meet with whomever she’d like on a runway because of it). There was this master plan I had that by letting Greenland into CONCACAF they’d be so grateful we could establish a military base there and use it as our base for initial attack.
Turns out we already have a military base there. And not just any military base, but a Space Force base. Pituffik Space Base. I love this country so much.
But I still haven’t accurately answered the why of it all. Why invade Canada? And it’s really twofold. The smugness of the entire country, and because we can. To the smugness, that entire country is just so smug that it’s not America. And yes, we have many problems, including whatever happens in November. We are a country of a lot of sins (at least we try to acknowledge them, Canada) and even more crimes. At the same time, I don’t think it’s worth being lectured by a country that says they love hockey but can’t win a Stanley Cup (we also claim the Oilers if they win). Oh and the best hockey upset of all time at the Olympics – American.
Also, their favorite son – Drake – is currently in a no-win position. I’d like to imagine most of Canada supports him. He’s also the reason that whenever Millie Bobby Brown does anything uncouth, I give her a pass. Unlike Canada, which now requires an American to enter with a passport. Uh, no thanks, Tim Hortons is only worth a Driver’s License.
Finally, their healthcare system, which the entire country is so smug about. We all agreed, until last year when we all figured out that the Canadian healthcare system is just this:
Patient: “Hey doc, my back has been giving me trouble lately.”
Doctor: “Have you considered killing yourself?”
A GP’s office somewhere in Canada
The second prong is because we can. We have a couple more years until China decides they’ve had enough and makes San Francisco into a sourdough wasteland. Why not have a bit of fun with everything until then? Hey, maybe we just take over Quebec. I think most of Canada would be thoroughly cool with that.
Anyway, Greenland is integral to this plan. And even if we don’t, I think Greenland should be included anyway. Because I’d rather play against a melting iceberg than two countries.
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