Who Would Win a Democratic Presidential Candidate In-Season Tournament

Welcome to the new world, where Joe Biden is no longer the Democratic nominee. I actually began this blog on Saturday, when everything was still in “what if” territory. This was before every weekday news anchor was unceremoniously called in from their brat afternoon plans. Now, we are here. Though Kamala Harris is now the presumptive nominee for the party, my thought experiment began. A thought experiment that began on the back of a seemingly normal political update tweet.

I know nothing of the accuracy of this original tweet, or if it’s even still happening. To me, though, this sounds incredibly similar to an in-season tournament, which led me down the rabbit hole of deciding what kind of matchups we could see. So, instead of keeping this to myself, I decided to write a whole blog about it. There are some obvious holes in the entire tournament, including the passage of time. As I write this blog, the candidate pool shrinks to the point the entire exercise may be useless. But I’m also writing about a fake basketball tournament.

A few parameters before we begin. First, the tournament is ranked by political capital, not by perceived basketball skills. Second, I think spots one through six were solidly picked; these are candidates whose names were thrown around for potential presidency, and now vice presidency. Spots seven and eight were just my choosing. Bernie was a legacy pick, who, like American soccer is to Colombus, is connected to futilely running for President. Amy Klobuchar was a personal pick because she threw a stapler at her staff before so I thought she’d be funny here. I also saw her name on a few articles so I’m allowing her in. I also chose everyone before Sunday.

The Democratic Candidates

This section is for introducing the candidates and breaking down their ball skills. I’m going to be engaging in a lot of guesswork here as I speculate on their skills based on whatever factors I can find.

Vice President Kamala Harris

While she is definitely the Democratic presidential nominee at this point, this isn’t a game of politics. this is a game of ball. Basically, my only tests to see how a potential candidate would do are their established basketball skills, and any other factors I deem relevant. In Kamala’s case, her basketball skills are lacking. As seen here, she is not what I’d call a shooter. If anything she is an airer.

She was getting close to the rim on a shot or two, but nothing close to in. Additionally, her handles are really lacking, and I’m worried she’s going to dribble like she’s handling a ball for the first time. This will leave her prone to steals from a more nimble competitor. While we see nothing of her defense, I actually think she can put on some defensive stops. I’ve seen her stepping before, and she comes across as very nimble and light on her feet. I think teaching her a few basics of a defensive position would put her over a lot of other candidates.

The best part of her game, in my opinion, is her coachability. That poor offensive showing from earlier was capped off with a make thanks to coaching by the Second Gentleman. This shows me that Kamala is coachable. More importantly, she is coachable in the moment. This will come in incredibly handy when she has to make decisions midgame. Overall, given her nimbleness and coaching, she has a good chance if she can lay off missed opportunities and poor dribbling.

Governor Gavin Newsom

Gavin Newsom is the clear-cut number-one player in this tournament. He’s labeled as a two-seed purely because of political prowess (read: he’s not vice president). The 6’3 smokeshow looks exactly like one of those guys who played pick-up basketball all through college and business school. Then, he toned it down, but can still ball out if necessary. Turns out, too, he was a SG in high school. This guy was made to be a Klay regen. 

His biggest weakness may be his confidence. I say that jokingly, but at the same time have you ever read The Tortoise and the Hare? Well, imagine that for a guy who’s used to being in the Hollywood for ugly people while looking like he actually belongs in Hollywood. Also, his handles are questionable because he almost killed a kid in China. 

I really can’t add much here. he’s still in phenomenal shape. he’s probably going far. 

Governor Gretchen Whitmer

The governor of Michigan is a little harder to figure out. While she seems to be in shape (aka won’t start blowing air after only a few possessions), I can’t find anything on how she works out. While these are politicians, this particular group isn’t full of old dudes who look like their biggest workout is eating at a weekly K-street donor dinner.

Whitmer was an honorary Detroit Piston back in 2021. I read the press release on her, and there doesn’t seem to be a lot on her offensive or defensive skills. Killian Hayes reliably informed me that she is a great passer and has great handles. While being a YouTube compilation Jason Williams regen may not be incredibly helpful in this situation, the handles part is good to know. Seems like she’s able to keep the ball. If she matches up against someone without good footwork, I think she has a good chance. 

Governor JB Pritzker

This man was coconutpilled before Kamala Harris was even a thought in the American public’s mind. And by coconutpilled I mean he has the shape of a coconut. As some have said, he is shapemaxxing. 

I’ve tried to look into any basketball connections he has. Turns out there are literally zero. I even thought I could compare him to the Bulls because of Illinois. Turns out he was actually in California during that time. 

My scouting report on him is limited. He’s about 5’10 based on pictures of him next to Obama. I’m going to put him into the category of that guy you played against in pickup in middle school and high school. He was a lineman, but not because he was athletic. He was just a brick wall of a human. I’d like to say he plays a very aggressive booty ball and can shake someone all the way to the basket if he protects the ball from steals. I’m imagining no hops, but if he’s a good enough shooter he can probably get close to 85pc shooting, because I don’t imagine him to be much of a rebounder. 

His biggest flaw is probably his defense. He’s going to have to hope for someone who can’t shoot and can block out for a defensive rebound. 

Secretary (Mayor) Pete

Mayor (Secretary) Pete is the physical embodiment of Mario in my mind. Since 2016, he’s always been the guy that there’s not much to. The reason so many people liked him so much was because there’s not a lot. You were able to attach any narrative to him you could think of. That extends to his physicality. 

Let’s get this out of the way – this man was in the military and still trains regularly for triathlons. He’s a very fit guy who clearly will be able to play a full game without breaking. The thing with Pete is that he’s a runner without a lot of body weight. In my mind, if he matches up against a bigger guy, he’ll struggle at times. 

I also couldn’t find anything on his basketball skills. I imagine he grew up playing some pickup, and has played sparingly throughout his life. Seems like he probably can hit some shots, and play a marginal amount of defense. He also looks like former Celtics’ coach Brad Stevens. 

I also still find him annoying because of the High Hopes dance. To be cringe it to be free? Not in this case; this was just terrible.

Governor Josh Shapiro

A newcomer to the national political stage, Shapiro is not a newcomer to basketball by any means. Playing all four years in high school, and serving as a captain. He is the clear number two in this tournament because his skills have been developing since he was a child. And with that comes a host of ball knowledge. It’s like the veteran on the team who doesn’t have the physical attributes he once did, but can anticipate and see the game better than anyone.

He even called a boys’ basketball game at one point. I’ll be honest there is no way I’m watching this, but I’d like to imagine it was a good time. Maybe he dropped some knowledge. Maybe he’s out here singing the praises of the UCLA offense every time he sees a cut.

What actually ends up giving me pause is this tweet:

Now, is he squaring off against Joel Embiid? Yes, so I don’t imagine he’s going to play very well. With that said, the footwork is horrible. He’s not between his man and the basket, he’s playing perpendicular to the basket. Footwork is erratic, so Embiid is easily able to push off, even though Shapiro is clearly much smaller than him. The footwork almost comes off as a guy who never played any sports.

But I think the assessment will come down to his opponent. If he comes against someone with no basketball experience, he’ll do fine. While I imagine he reads the game really well, he may not actually have the skills to outlast an opponent.

Senator Amy Klobuchar

I sent the tournament bracket to a friend, and they laughed at the inclusion of Amy. She’s included for two reasons that stack on each other. I saw her in a couple of articles throwing her name out there. But, more importantly, girl has a mean side. She once threw a binder at her staff, along with other office supplies. This is someone I am including because it is funny.

Senator Bernie Sanders

As I mentioned above Bernie is a legacy pick. Slots seven and eight were pretty open and I could do whatever I wanted. His pros are he grew up in Brooklyn, so hey maybe he went to Rucker Park a few times. He also has some shooting skills, as videoed here:

The drawback is he is 82 and has walked and acted like he was 85 for 20 years.

The Tournament

Vague set of rules for this tournament I’m setting. First, this is a first-to-15 tournament, win by 2. Second, we’ll have a ref so no one is calling their own fouls. No free throws, though. A foul just results in going back to the top.

Round 1

I’ll start with the clear winners first. Kamala pretty easily moves on to the second round. While I think Bernie can get some steals off her because he’s able to get low (it’s how he walks). I imagine this is a very long game because Kamala does not have a track record of shooting well. Maybe the Second Gentleman gave her some lessons beforehand, which would cut this game down to 45 minutes. There are no fouls because neither is playing hard enough to be able to foul the other. Bernie fades as he once again loses to an establishment candidate.

Gavin Newsom takes the win, but easily will probably not be the best way to describe it. Not because he has any trouble handling Amy Klobuchar in a basketball sense. More, she plays dirty the Bad Boys Detroit Pistons style. But more because every time she messes up or he scores, she physically assaults him with a weapon (the basketball) or her hands (certified weapons). She gets about seven points mostly because Gavin is dangerously afraid of another gut check. This game ends with Gavin Newsom bruised, and Amy Klobuchar either is arrested or enters the stands Malice at the Palace style.

Josh Shapiro versus Gretchen Whitmer is another easy decision. While Gretchen has the handles to become a Steve Nash-type assist spammer, she doesn’t have the ball skills to stop a former team captain. Josh, like Uncle Rico, takes this moment to relive his glory days on the court. The handles of Whitmer are no match for Shapiro’s defense because she is no Embiid. Josh Shapiro moves on to face the real number-one seed.

The last game will be my most controversial pick. We at Moon Stamp Sports deeply respect our linemen. They are the real heroes on the football field. That gives me an incredibly soft spot for JB Pritzker. I mentioned above that Pete has a small runner’s figure, that prioritizes stamina over everything. JB has the size of a man who’s there to stop any moment. I know nothing about Pete’s handles, nor about JB. But the difference is I am fully aware of how Pritzker would dribble, using his body to protect himself. Booty ball would be similar to when a pro wrestler faces Rey Mysterio; you know that moving him is incredibly easy. I think Pritzker can win the defensive rebound game with a slew of boxing out, coupled with a limited amount of information on Pete’s shot. It probably ends 16-14, but I think JB Pritzker takes this.

Semifinals

The semifinals see matchups on completely opposite ends of the athletic spectrum. On the left, you have the movable force and the stoppable object. On the right, you have two high school superstars still very much in the waning era of their physical prime.

I’ll start with the Kamala and JB matchup. What we know is that Kamala Harris doesn’t have strong handles or shooting, and her footwork leaves a lot to be desired. In my brain, JB Prtizker’s strength is his size. 5’10, 275, that is not just a brick wall that is a Thwomp stopping any and all progress. Given what I have seen of Kamala’s footwork, and the theoretical impossibility she can stop a booty ball strat, this has to go to JB. I do think Kamala will get around JB enough to score 9 or 10 points. But she doesn’t have the physicality to stop him in the paint. And, given her shooting record, I imagine he’ll box out well. JB Pritzker moves on to the finals.

This is the real final. Like UH vs Louisville in 1983, everyone would assume the winner of this game gets to go on to face JB Pritzker in the DNC In-Season Tournament Final. The left side of the Tournament bracket really pales in comparison to the right side’s athletic ability. This is a game I had a lot of trouble deciding. To me, there is an argument for both to win. Gavin Newsom has the length, the aggression, and from the Chinese child assault video, the handles. Josh Shapiro has the defensive ferocity and obvious scoring skills to challenge Gavin’s height advantage. So here’s where I am: this is a long game. The points go into the 20s on both sides because both competitors have the obvious basketball skills to make it through to the finals.

But I have decided on two deciding factors: one is Gavin’s height. As we know an inch can make an incredible difference in perception. Put three of those together and you have yourself an out-rebounder. Like UH every season, Gavin Newsom plays tough in the paint and works to out-rebound Josh; again the height helps. Lastly, I compared the China video and the Embiid video. In both videos, the guys run and show their footwork. Gavin is aggressive, and the ball is in good motion until the child gets in the way. It shows both nimbleness and aggression. The Embiid video really throws me off and makes me think Josh Shapiro is going to falter in situations where he needs to control the ball.

Give me Gavin Newsom.

Finals

I wanted to create some narrative where JB uses his size to box out Gavin and puts up a real fight. In reality, this isn’t a fight. This is like that one episode of Game of Thrones where Jamie tries to kill a dragon and ends up in a river. Gavin Newsom has the height and the handles and skills that a solid booty ball cannot stop. And unlike everyone who JB has faced up until now, Newsom has the get-around skills that can stop a booty ball. Additionally, Newson is like 5 inches taller; a box out will not work.

As much as I wish I could include more, this final was over before it even began. And so, the first DNC In-Season Tournament champion is California Gavin Newsom.

And just like the Lakers, it will mean absolutely nothing in the end. But this was fun, because I spent way too much time imagining elected officials playing pickup.

So with that, the Moon Stamp Sports coverage of the first-ever DNC In-Season Tournament comes to a conclusion.

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