10 Things Better at Protection than the New York Giants’ Offensive Line

Jorden

I hate listicles. It feels like a hacky Buzzfeed move that the one cheating Try Guy and Benny Johnson would be into. But what’s worse is making me feel badly for Daniel Jones by genuinely just letting the Seahawks come through the holes like its a kind of sad mid-40s swinger party. So here are ten things I think could do a better job at protecting Daniel Jones than the Giants’ Offensive Line.

1. New Orleans Levees

The levees failed spectacularly and absolutely obliterated New Orleans like David Carr’s career. But in the defense of the levees, they broke and only flooded 80 percent of New Orleans. In a conversion, that’s probably only about 8 or so sacks. Maybe 9 if you’re from New Orleans. But that’s not 11, and I failed the AP Calc exam, but I know 11 is more than nine (unless you creamed your pants to the Ryder Cup). In this case, I’d rather have the New Orleans levees going against a Category 5 hurricane than the Giants’ offensive line.

2. Floridians Shooting at a Hurriance

To keep with the natural disaster theme, I’d rather have Floridians shooting at a hurricane barreling toward me than the Giants’ offensive line. At least the Floridians didn’t puss out like the left tackle (I refuse to learn his name) whenever there was a modicum of Seahawk pressure.

3. Puerto Rican Birth Control

This is a Ray Narvaez Jr. quote I constantly pull out (pun genuinely not intended) all the time and no one ever gets the reference. “Puerto Rican pull out, don’t be a bitch.” With the Puerto Rican pull out the pull outer is at least conscience that they don’t want a kid. They’re aware of the consequences, even if they want to indulge a little. Unlike the Giants’ offensive line who I am not sure if they even know what brith control is without they were letting everything (I know I basically made this joke twice but it works even better here).

4. The Tuohys

They told Michael Oher to protect his blind side, but also blind sided him by being annoyingly horrible people. Am I the only one that watched that movie and thought the story didn’t make sense? Like when that NCAA investigator was telling Michael to be careful, I can’t be the only one who was completely on her side. I have never looked into the story, because I don’t care about the backstory of non-skill positions, but he wasn’t homeless right? The only redeeming quality about the movie was Lily Collins.

Either way, the Tuohys used Michael Oher for their motivational speaking empire. But, along they way, it seems like he lived in a pretty sick home. And even though he went to Ole Miss, it’s still an SEC school and that seems like a fun situation. The Giants’ offensive line would not have helped Michael Oher, even if he didn’t need it.

5. The Security Guards at the Metropolitan Correctional Center

Say what you want about the security guards at the Metropolitcan Correctional Center, but I haven’t heard about a single death or “suicide” since Jeffrey Epstein’s untimely passing. And even with that those guards probably only let Hillary Clinton and Alan Dershowitz (along with a couple CIA agents) into his cell. That’s probably only 5 or 6 sacks, about half of that on Daniel Jones. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hillary Clinton and Alan Dershowitz would have been able to sack Daniel Jones if they had suited up at the Meadowlands last night.

6. Aaron Rodger’s Achilles

Say what you want about Aaron Rodger’s achilles, but it’s at least still in his body. That’s much more than I can say for the career of Daniel Jones or anyone else on the Giants’ offensive line. Aaron Rodgers will be able to walk and run again. I will never be able to unsee that fugly Pete Carroll grin he had on his face after the 11th sack.

7. Danny Masterson’s Conviction

Speaking of getting sacked, that’s exactly what’s about to happen to Danny Masterson in prison. I hated That 70’s Show, and I always thought Ashton Kutcher was a hack, so this was a real win-win for me. But this wasn’t really a win because we know the adrenochrome-hungry devil worshippers (not MJF) are probably doing things way worse than Danny Masterson on a daily basis. He’s just the one they sent to the new season Orange is the new Black.

With that said, taking him down is better than nothing because there are victims who at least get to see the guy die in prison. Taking down one is better than taking down none, which feels like what the Giants’ offensive line did.

8. Inter Miami’s Ticket Prices Without Messi

This week’s American Soccer Review covered the price drop of Inter Miami tickets. Messi got injured and obviosuly can’t play. And obviously no one gives a shit about Inter Miami now. Before Messi arrived Inter Miami was the laughingstock of the MLS (and there’s a lot of competition for that).

Ticket prices are still dropping and most likely continue to drop. But unlike Daniel Jones’ QBR, ticket prices are still above $100. Would Daniel Jones’ QBR be above 100? Definitely not, because he barely cracked 103 against San Francisco. But even then, the tickets are somewhat expensive for an average person (celebrities won’t be attending en masse like they were thank goodness), and that’s more than anyone can say for the future contracts of the Giants’ offensive line.

9. The Ole Miss Security Guard

Remember that Best Buy employee who tackled a thief and then got Dana White’s attention? This guy kind of gave the same vibes, but not in a good way. He has some Richard Jewell vibes to him with how seriously he takes his job.

(Really quick caveat, I am a Richard Jewell defender until I die. Man saved lives and then was crucified by the media for being kind of a dweeb who saved lives. I still watch that one movie with Paul Walter Hauser because it’s so good. He died without receiving the thanks and apologies he deserved.).

But did you see that form? He has a slight squat going on, and shuffles in a ready position. If he got trained like that one Brandon Burlsworth movie, I genuinely think he could be on an NFL practice squad. Definitely played on the line back in high school. He’s also not going for perfect stoppages, he’s just trying to break momentum. Every person who ran into him had to regain their footing. He barely even touched that one girl and she absolutely planted her ass. Genuinely would rather have him protect me than [insert name Giants’ right guard I now refuse to learn].

10. Indonesian Hotels on December 26, 2004

We started with natural disasters and we’re ending with natural disasters. If Daniel Jones had been able to scramble up to the third floor of an Indonesian hotel with other British tourists, no doubt in my mind man would have gone off on Monday. I hate to refer to the Seahawks as a tsunami (mostly because weather metaphors are overdone in sports), but they just kept coming and coming (like me when I see a goth mommy).

The Giants’ offensive line has no chance to stop 30 km³ of water. Did the hotels stop the water? Not particularly. But they at least are still standing (don’t check me on that). And that’s why I’d rather be on a beach on Indonesia on December 26, 2004 than at the Meadowlands.

P.S. This is also the second time in two weeks I’ve written about the Giants. Please play well so I can stop. I don’t even care about the Giants.