I have been somewhat disappointed in this Olympics. Not because athletes had to microdose e.coli, nor because it turns out America is not only bad at shooting (we did win a gold) but the entire sport is filled with gearheads. No, I’m disappointed because America is not as dominant in swimming as it has been in the past. It seems like we have a problem where our best are aging, and the replacements are still babies. Like the business cycle, this seems like an off-year we just have to deal with the fact we don’t have a prime swimmer to win everything.
After the Australian call-out and one-sided rivalry, I expected more from our swimmers. In reality, I expect more from our athletes. A point of national pride is being the best, especially in sports played/watched by a minuscule amount of people. I shout “How many SEC championships does Europe have” with my chest, as I then shit on the SEC’s style because the Big 12 plays “real American football”. But, because the real athletics haven’t started, the United States feels very behind in these Olympics. Sure, there’s no winner, but like, there definitely is a winner.
The problem-solver I am, I started thinking – how do we begin to solve this crisis? Because, and I pray this doesn’t happen, 2028 in LA rolls around and the Australians are still dominant? What if the rest of the world makes us look like fools at the site of America’s largest cultural victory (Hollywood)? Just like Google AI is solving in a way-too-complicated fashion, I too have figured out how to create the superathletes of the future. And it all started with this video:
For those of you who don’t get what’s happening, the baby in that picture is Katie Ledecky. Yes, that one. The greatest American swimmer of all time being peek-a-booed by the greatest (or second greatest, whatever you think) basketball player of all time. Many have referenced an aura transfer, but really that’s not what happened. It was some sort of spiritual every transfer, where the raw athletic ability bestowed upon MJ from the heavens was psychically transferred into the veins of Ledecky during their peek-a-boo bought.
But obviously, this isn’t enough to suffice as evidence for the great athlete-to-baby raw talent transfer. No, earlier this summer we were gifted with another piece of evidence thanks to an unlikely set of pictures.
Yes, that is Messi hanging out with baby Lamine Yamal. For those of you not as soccerly inclined, Yamal is a 17-year-old Barcelona player who also became the youngest player to represent his country at the Euros. With all that he also helped Spain win the Euros and absolutely killed it. He is a star in the making, who years from now could displace Messi from his perch on the greats podium.
This, to me, is enough evidence. Once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern (even though the saying is three times, but I don’t care). So, the only reasonable reaction from the United States is to demand our best athletes have multiple rendezvous with babies. There has to be some Congressional power to force athletes from around the nation to have photo shoots or peekaboos or really whatever with possibly athletically gifted babies.
That was an attempt to seem humble. The power is in interstate commerce. Sports plays a big part in commerce, and athletes travel between the states. So forth and so forth there’s a bill and the President has to sign it or the only resolute he will be sitting in is resolute shame.
I am offering myself to Congress as someone willing to head up this national mandatory program. I imagine that there will be a selection process for the babies. Hopefully, it’ll be similar to American Ninja Warrior obstacle course, where babies must run, jump, and other athletically advantageous events.
The more I speak about this, the more I realize I’m creating a baby combine. Which feels like a Puppy Bowl, but a Toddlers and Tiaras version for dads who never got over the fact their athletic dreams died in high school.
With all that pontificated on, this is a national emergency. There is no reason I should be sitting on my couch on a Saturday worried about the medal count. The United States should dominate every sport. The next step is locking our top athletes in Colorado Springs until they have the mindset of Ivan Drago. I’m calling upon Congress to force these interactions with babies in hopes that our national sporting heritage only grows greater. Also, a World Cup win would be cool too.
Karl Malone is exempt from this program.
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