As I write this blog, America is still second in the medal count. I feel like this has been a disappointing Olympics from an American standpoint. Mostly because our swimming team has been a little lost; I do think we should go to war for Alex Walsh. The rules of the IM escape me (read as I refuse to look them up), but I fully believe that Alex Walsh was robbed. One thing that has shocked me, though, is the number of swimmers and overall athletes who train or have gone to college in America. It feels like we’re deliberately funding the enemy. And, for the purposes of the Olympics, other nations are the enemy. Including Leon Marchand.
See Leon is the best swimmer in the world right now. It seems that both everyone in the media and Michael Phelps agree. And just watching him, from the little I know about swimming (the eye test), he looks like he was built to be in the water. If mermaids had evolved from their siren form to be landwalkers, they would probably be into findom, to be honest. But, if they had also evolved to compete in water sports (feels like cheating), they would be Leon Marchand. He looks like he’s gliding through the water like one of those torpedoes you used to throw around the pool as a kid. Speaking of cheating, he’s also making totally not doping Chinese swimmers look like they’re definitely not doping.
The dirty little open secret is that Leon Marchand is a product of France perfected in the United States. He’s like unedited hedonism or national arrogance; created in France but perfected in this nation. After his cold email to Bob Bowman (cold emailing? should’ve gone to an Ivy League and then worked in private equity like the US Rowing team), Leon moved to the imperial system’s home to surpass the Michael Phelps’ mythos. Crafted the hands that sculpted American greatness, the Frenchman has used the vast resources bestowed by the heavens on this blessed nation to his own advantage. And now, he is destroying American swimmers and creating modern-day Benedict Arnolds.
Even though we won the head-to-head gold competition against that Emu War-losing nation (we lost against real people instead), the gold medal count was still not up to expectation. Especially the expectations set by Bob Bowman’s former protege – Michael Phelps. Even with the fact the US broke world record’s and cemented its standing as the head of the swimming world, it was not enough. I, as the rest of the nation should, hunger for world athletic domination. While I cannot myself participate or make effective changes to that standing, I can offer colorful solutions.
That’s why I think the IOC should award half-gold medals to the nation that the athlete has lived in most since the last Olympics. I haven’t done enough research to see if this idea can ever come back to haunt me. I imagine this is a pretty safe proposal that I am able to make with no chance I will ever have to watch an American fork over a half-medal to Bulgaria or something. There would be 2 more gold medals in the swimming pot if the rule was instituted.
Because I joked earlier about the fact that Leon came over here and stole our bountiful resources. But really, I’m kind of right there. Maybe Bob Bowman would have been crying over some kid from California than from a guy from Toulouse. Is Leon Marchand the best swimmer I think I have ever seen? Yes, of course. And is it so much fun to watch him dominate, this is partially America’s doing. We used to manufacture steel, but now we manufacture a six-million dollar swimming man. Emmanuel Macron can seductively cheer from the rafters all he wants, this production is sponsored by American steroids.
I would just like some fair compensation for the part America played in Leon Marchand’s development. Similar to how soccer clubs have to go to tribunal over sell-on fees, I would like some sell-on medals. Or, maybe, in 2028 we get him for an Olympics, then France in 2032. Or, maybe he can just pull an Embiid. Has he considered having an American son?
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