A Guy Who Doesn’t Watch MLS Reviews Every Week 1 Game

Last week I wrote a blog about how I was going to start watching the MLS once the season began. So I decided to just start a “I Will Watch MLS” series. I have always seen it as a periphery league, even though the league is actually in my backyard. I don’t have to pay upward of $150 and then travel at least to South Carolina to see a team I can support.

I’m not an MLS hater like I see many American soccer fan doing; it’s not a retirement league, the best players always go to “lower” leagues. So, I don’t dislike MLS or have any ire toward it, I just forget it exists throughout the year.

Just a few disclaimers before I begin the review. I watched the free games on Apple, but I’m not shelling out for the MLS pass, so the rest came from highlights and FotMob results. I also didn’t take any notes (which I’ve started doing), so my memories are informed by the highlights.

Additionally, I don’t really know teams and players. Like I know Columbus won last year, and I know the Dynamo are okay and Austin FC are bad. For players, if they played in Europe or on the USMNT I am aware of them; like when Hugo Lloris showed up (forgot he’s in the US now), or when I saw Jordan Morris in the starting lineup and was like hey he has diabetes (that is the extent of my Jordan Morris knowledge, and I think he went #1 in the MLS draft back in the day).

Each game is reviewed – just a couple things that stood out and any players that stood out. Don’t expect extremely in-depth analysis. I’m also including the highlights of each game from the MLS YouTube channel. Most of these reviews won’t be much, so don’t expect high-end analysis. This is just my impression.

Inter Miami Annoys Me – Inter Miami v. RSL

I can tell Inter Miami is going to annoy me this season. Later on I will refer to Inter Miami as a celebrity team. Not because of the players, but because, like F1, celebrities invade the space because it’s cool. On top of that, I watched prime MSN Barcelona just kill their opposition, led by Messi, but ushered forward by every single player. Inter Miami is a much worse version of this. Not only are the surrounding players lack the talent that permeated every kick at Camp Nou, but the players from those teams, are much older and much worse.

I’m reminded of the end of Phillipe Coutinho’s tenure at Liverpool. Players would wait around waiting to figure out what kind of magic he was going to pull, because no one felt the need to be creative. Watching Inter Miami evokes those same annoyed feelings, just with an MLS background and Messi, a much better magician.

This wasn’t to take away from Real Salt Lake (Real? Something something we are destined to do this forever), I was just focused more on Inter. So was everyone else. MLS posted a video on their YouTube with Taylor Twellman pondering on Inter’s trophy chances. I didn’t watch it. They don’t have any.

And yes, I am using Messi for views.

Guzan is Still Alive? – Columbus Crew v. Atlanta United

There were many surprises this weekend. The biggest surprise, by far, is that Brad Guzan is still playing. Maybe it’s because he’s bald, but I remember him being old in 2014. I thought he had gone the way of Tim Howard (maybe Guzan can actually announce lineups without stumbling). For some reason, I thought Atlanta was supposed to be really good. Was that a few years ago? I legitimately don’t know, because they did not look that way. Maybe it’s because I saw the highlights, but Guzan is trying to be a sweeper, without any of the talent to do so (slight pass because he is 39 years old, and hey they started him).

This felt like a one sided game, with Columbus doing a great job of using the entire field. While I really liked watching Juan Hernandez play, he opened up a question. I saw three penalties taken this weekend, and they were all pretty terrible. Is this an MLS thing, or did I just pick a bad weekend to watch? Also, Jacen Russell-Rowe basically bailed out Guzan, smacking the post. My takeaway is that Brad Guzan should not be Atlanta’s starting keeper, and Hernandez will be fun to watch.

MLS Can Be Fun – LAFC v. Seattle

Hey, look, it’s Hugo Lloris. And Jordan Morris. I know players on both teams, so I had high hopes for a good game. And, to be fair, I enjoyed this game. I’m not fully sure if these teams are good, or if they played high-paced, fun, creative soccer. It’s like a football game where receivers are always only 10-15 yards downfield with some open space.

Biggest takeaway is Mateusz Bogusz is killer and that goal was out of this world. I know LAFC probably falls under the category of a celebrity club (Will Ferrell, but they’re fun to watch. And Hugo Lloris definitely still has it. This will be a continuing theme, but MLS goalkeeper game is fantastic.

I Liked This Game as Much as I Like Dallas – FC Dallas v. San Jose

Yeah this will be a very quick one. I had three lines of notes for this. The xG was abysmally low. I never got a feel for the game, and I don’t think the players did either. This could be the early season rust, or these teams are both just bad. Again, as the season progresses maybe they’ll be better.

The late goal was cool. Other than that, I don’t remember a player or really anything about the game. Also, I’m not a fan of FC Dallas, because they’re in Dallas, but you’re not allowed to wear a hat (pictured above) unless you score a hat trick.

Breakaway – Chicago Fire v. Philadelphia Union

My favorite human box is still playing in the MLS, and doing a great job controlling the midfield. I really know nothing about the Chicago Fire. Philly, I just know they were apart of that triumvirate of loss that Philadelphia experienced in 2022.

This was a game of halves, and had an incredibly fun last 15 minutes or so through stoppage time. Brian Gutierrez had one of the best goals of the weekend. This game also had one of the worst breakaway goal attempts I’ve ever seen. In a week that saw Jayden Danns chip a keeper, because, as he said, that’s what he had to do, Nathan Harriel just absolutely miffed it. The commentators did this whole song and dance about how well the keeper did, but realistically, he just had to chip.

St. Louis City FC v. Real Salt Lake

This was another fun game, and probably my first or second game of the weekend. A shot heavy game, with some really good, fast-paced and open play. While St. Louis had a really good back 4, the game still flowed very well, and it never felt like either side fully controlled the game.

My standout player was Chico Arango, who may have had the worst haircut of the weekend. With that said, he may have been my favorite player to watch this weekend. Innovative, creative, and everywhere he needed to be. I also loved the goal by Sam Adeniran. He stumbled like a freshman after their first weekend at college, and somehow recovered for a worldie. Overall, really fun game. Will be watching both these teams Saturday with great interest.

Brad Stuver Rocks – Austin Fc v. Minnesota United

“Brad Stuver rocks” was the third note I wrote, and just continued throughout the game. I had seen an Austin FC account on Tik Tok complaining about same shit, different year. Well if Brad Stuver is this consistent, he might be my keeper of the season. One last thing, every year I see Minnesota United jerseys and think they’re great.

While it was fun to see Zardes, I could not believe my eyes when I saw Pukki. Remember when he was the best player in the Premier League for like three weeks that one season. I believed in Norwich that season, only for him to completely disappear. But I’m glad to see he’s alive, and apparently very well in the MLS.

The first 45 minutes of the game made me believe Minnesota was some dominant force. Austin kind of turned it around, but that back 4 is trash. You could hire a row of Austin-based McKenzie consultants (the city is lame now), and they wouldn’t be able to corporate PowerPoint a way to fix it. Stoppage time felt incredibly CONCACAFy.

Punish Man City – Charlotte FC v. NYCFC

I know one thing about NYCFC, and it’s that the team is owner by City Football Group. I hate that Group with every fiber of my being. With that said, I’m glad to see they’re trash and play an uninspired, uninteresting soccer. Their jerseys feel like a tech company rebranding after a data breach.

The game was about as interesting as NYCFC’s jerseys. After that first goal, nothing of note happened. There was that horrible penalty, which brings up the question again – is this an MLS-wide issue, or were the penalties just extra horrible this week?

Apparently there were 63,000 people in Bank of America Stadium. Cam Newton showed more fight than any player on that field. Bad game, bad teams.

4 Goal Death – Portland Timbers v. Colorado Rapids

There really isn’t much to say about this game, because it was mostly one half. The Timbers crushed in the first half, and just took their foot off the accelerator. Is Colorado this bad, or are the Timbers this good? I’m more under the impression that Colorado is this bad.

Also, Zack Steffen is there. He is still tainted.

The Hometown Boys – Houston Dynamo v. Sporting KC

This is a game I should have known more about, given that this is a Houston-based blog. The most I interact with the Dynamo are on 7-1-3 nights, because that’s the best deal in Houston sports ($3 domestics are dangerously good). I also know that something like half the team is hurt, so the Dynamo were playing at a diminished capacity. What I know of Sporting KC: Graham Zusi (somehow) still plays for them.

With that said, it was kind of a boring game. Brad Smith’s header was wrongly disallowed (I’m nothing if not a homer). Gabe Segal’s goal was fantastic. Kind of boring game, but obviously incredibly proud of the boys, deserved win. Also, was this really the Western Conference Final last year?

Brendan Lives – DC United v. New England Revolution

Benteke??? I had forgotten about that man. The way he played, I’d imagine exactly is like what Brendan Rodgers was expecting. A target man who poaches perfectly and whose head finds the ball in the air. The man got a hat trick, which is something I never thought I’d see, but the bigger story is DC’s 4.58 xG. That’s genuinely insane. DC absolutely dominated this game.

The red card in the 25th really set the tone for the game, and New England never really recovered, just absolutely bullied on the wings. This was a really fun game, but mostly because DC just dominated.

DC fans always come across as the coolest people in the room. After the beer snake, I shouldn’t have expected anything different from them.

6 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back – Orlando City FC v. CF Montreal

Yeah, I wasted 6 minutes of my life watching these highlights. Orlando kits go hard, though.

David? v. Goliath? – FC Cincinnati v. Toronto FC

I am told, by the commentators, this is last year’s best team versus last year’s worst team. I know Toronto as Michael Bradley’s team. The second minute yellow really set the tone for Toronto, and they just kept fouling throughout the game, and not in a good way.

This was a pretty eh game, and it seems like, realistically, Cincinnati should have won the game. But, I was surprised to hear how good this team was last year (I imagine they won the Supporters’ Shield). Cincy’s Acosta is the Kyler Murray of the MLS; very small and runs like a toddler.

Call Verstappen – Nashville SC v. RBNY

This was not what I’d call a good game. My question from the game: is Nashville that bad, or is RBNY good but can’t finish. That is all I have.

Celebrity Derby – LA Galaxy v. Inter Miami

Remember how I talked about the Coutinho era and how that applies to Messi? This game was that to a dangerous degree. Messi is the only reason anything happened, and is the reason that this game ended in a point for Miami. He pulled gold out of his ass with that stoppage time goal. He is so good and so incredible, he is the only reason Miami might go above .500.

Actually, that’s a slight lie. Callendar had the best goalie performance of the week, barely beating out Stuvan. He may have had the best performance of the week. LA had a 3.37 xG, and it showed. Poor LA, because they really deserved to win this game. Callendar just decided to give Messi a hand.

This is the third game where there was a horrible penalty. Again, is this an MLS thing?

MLS Week 1 Takeaways

Alright, so here are my takeaways: this is a fun league, but there are a few real stinkers. I don’t know if I’ll be able to review every game from now on, but I will try to review the ones I found enjoyable. And the games I found enjoyable, I found really enjoyable.

And, MLS does VAR really well. There were three games that had VAR (and the DC-NER especially), and I thought all of them were handled very well. I like the ref going over to check, instead of leaving it up to a video assistant referee. I’d love to see that implemented everywhere.

I genuinely am excited to watch this season. With the Prem in the morning, and the MLS in the evening, I am now so devoted to a soccer Saturday call me Jeff Stelling.

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