The 2022 World Cup taught me an incredibly important lesson — it’s funny to create groups based on geopolitics. A group consisting of the US, England, Wales, and Iran was the wet dream for someone who wants nothing more than chaos. You’ve heard of college football sickos, now welcome soccer group sickos. We got to watch the re-emergence of political tensions between Iran and America play out on a soccer pitch, while our 5 Star General got his balls smashed. I was longing for Ahmadinejad to return like Palpatine (somehow).
I enjoyed the entire Group Stage of the World Cup for that reason. Every game had some tinge of spewed political bile to increase the hatred. England is hatable for the very obvious reason of its England. Wales is part of the UK, and so by default, also England. They also produce way fewer car bombs than Ireland, so they’re loyalists. And Iran tries to intimidate the world every once in a while like North Korea, except their leader is less cute and bubbly. And what I didn’t notice at the time is that the games were so much fun because I had so much more of a personal stake in the games. Losing to Iran meant reversing that deal we signed (is that still a thing?).
This years’ European Championship, the Euros, has cemented that necessity. The Euros have reignited the Balkans into a fine-fest. For those of you on Balkan Twitter, the hate never died. Balkan Twitter makes any racist American town look like purely casual racism. Oh you think Kosovo exists? Get ready for a thousand slurs that may or not be made up on the spot.
And that reignited the beauty I had simply forgotten. Not only does every game matter, but it also means more (to steal Liverpool’s phraseology). Sure, I will hope that an Albania game has a Dua Lipa cameo. But throw in Serbia, and I’m sitting down and watching that no matter what (Mbappe meme). The entire Balkan region is a powder keg, especially in a stadium where the countries are meant to compete. The competition feeds the sicko mentality that makes me love Iowa Football. One Twitter user had an extra brilliant idea.
Which led to this tweet.
If you go and read in the comments it’s the denial of existence akin to TikTok’s belief in Helen Keller (she faked it).
So here is my proposal: Instead of creating groups based on pots or standings or such, every tournament should group teams by political rivalry. Obviously, this doesn’t go for a tournament like the Copa America where every team is equal-opportunity xenophobic. But for a tournament like the World Cup there is no reason that Russia and the United States shouldn’t be in the same group. If the US loses it has to supply a couple tanks to Russia. Imagine. Belgium and the Democratic Republic of the Congo in the same group. Hey, maybe even put South Korea and Japan in the same group, and see how old Koreans start talking about the Japanese (professional-level hate).
A little while ago I wrote about how every sport needs a Chael Sonnen to really get things going. Soccer doesn’t need a Chael Sonnen. What soccer needs is pure geopolitical chaos.
I am a watcher of CONCACAF. Really, CONCACAF is pretty chill until the United States and Mexico. Almost every final features the US and Mexico. But sometimes the teams play in a group as well. The outcome either time: piss cups flung on the pitch by Mexican fans. Most commentators will call it disgraceful or some equivalent. I call it passion. If you weren’t around in 2016 for matches, as the players tried their best to stop everyone from killing each other, you don’t know hatred and passion. Even last year we had a Stefan-level game with everything a sicko could want. Goals, fights, red cards, and a suspended game.
Even though the real reason Mexico and the US were invited to the Copa America is a trial run for 2026, my retcon is that it’s funnier. The Copa America, as mentioned above, is a celebration of hatred. Every team has long-entrenched hatred. And so far, watching that has made it incredibly fun.
I know this is impossible because of equivalent groups or whatever, but this year has been so interesting in terms of sporting hatred. Sports has gotten too nice; LeBron is out there being buddy-buddy with every player. Even at the US Olympic Trials training partners are helping each other. It’s disgusting. I propose this as a way to make sport a little more pure again.
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