Texas is Not Back (The Most Wonderful Time of the Year)

Jorden

Note: This was supposed to be a pre-written blog, but turned into my ramblings as I watched the blog potentially become worthless.

There are a few things I look forward to every year: the first cool day of fall, the first day of March Madness, and whenever my grandmother texts me a late happy birthday. But really there is nothing that compares to the day we all realize Texas is in fact not back. I’m writing this in the 4th quarter as Texas is down 7 to OU. That is how excited I am to make the Texas isn’t back blog. This also how confident I am that Texas will fuck this up.

Texas Back Status: Not

Listen, I actually don’t dislike UT that much; they’re much better than A&M fans in every way. Texas fans are smug, but at least they’ve won a real National Championship. But they’re still just overly smug that their football team is good after years of pitiful mediocrity. Texas is always in the pre-season Top 25 and it’s incredibly painful to see their confidence every year that the spirit of Vince Young will infect the locker room and lead the Longhorns to immortal victory (because if they win again, I genuinely don’t think anyone will hear the end of it until 2100).

They Just Scored Fuck

I was in the process of writing this and Texas scored. This is no longer my Texas is not back post, but more my internal ramblings so that I haven’t wasted an entire post dunking on Texas. I was really hoping Quinn would just throw this game, such that the Manningcast era of college football would begin. Now I’m watching Quinn just throw absolute darts to way too open receivers.

Field Goal Time

I don’t love rooting against kickers, because a bad kick can make or break their career. And this kicker seems like a nice guy with his Ramen noodle hair. I love heckling kickers by aggressively complimenting them. With that said I hope this kid kills someone in the crowd with a shank.

Fuck that was a beautiful kick. That was a textbook kick. The guy who looks like every tomboy in a 1980s movie put it down the middle like a politician discussing insider trading.

I Can’t Believe I’m Rooting for the Sooners

To save this post I have to root for OU, which I genuinely never thought I would have to do. Wow the Texas defense is absolutely horrible how are they leaving the middle of the field that open consistently.

Brother man, I think that’s probably a soft call, but you cannot put your hands on a receiver like that. Now OU has perfect field position.

What an unbelievable floater. That’s a deserved touchdown. UT is looking shocking right now like they want a classic finish to the game. Last Big 12 Red River Shootout.

Stop Celebrating

Hey can every OU player on the sidelines stop celebrating. This is like touching the World Cup while walking out to the pitch; you’re just putting some insanely bad mojo out there. Also, this protect defense is driving me crazy.

I have no idea who that UT receiver is, but he needed to go down there. Running toward the sideline from the middle of the field is a bonehead play that wasted 7 seconds. My man, go down so Sark can call a timeout and stop the clock. I know i’m actively rooting against Texas here, but I just hate horrible decisions on the field. It probably could not have helped in the grand scheme, but you’re saving like 3 seconds.

And thank God Texas is not back, it’s over. I’m so happy to see all those dejected fans.

Texas is Not Back

I’m so glad this isn’t a waste of an article or a headline. This was now my live text of my possible descent into blog madness. I’m just glad those cocky Austinites finally are a little sad this season. I couldn’t handle see those burnt orange fucks (by the way terrible color for anyone to wear). Matthew McConaughey is probably somewhere exposing himself while playing the bongos.

Have fun missing the playoffs again you smug fucks. Why don’t you replay this game on the Longhorn Network 24/7? Why don’t you block other schools from joining your conference? Why don’t you continue to steal money from Texans because the Texas Constitution gives you that power you sacks of dirty pigshit?

I know I’m a UH fan and have absolutely no room to talk, but who gives a shit, I’ve never been out here proclaiming I’m a universe breaker. Have fun getting yelled at by a drunk middle aged man who likes to pretend he was in the military.

Thanks OU. Horns down.