I was jarred awake this morning, not because my girlfriend’s angels for dogs needed to be let out and my bladder was so full from going out for the first time in months, but because of the smell in the air. It’s that smell that circulates around this country once a year. A smell that gets so heavy from the weight of hope and so pungent from the nervous sweat that comes along with Super Bowl Sunday. Two groups of people have their fate intertwined with how tonight goes. I’m not talking about football fans and Swifties. I’m not talking about the Chiefs and the 49ers. I’m not even talking about the two fan bases. I’m talking about those who gamble and those who are in the direct vicinity of those who have placed bets.
Today’s the big day. The day that separates then boys from the men. The girls from the women. The casual gamblers from the degenerates. This blog has three purposes. First and most importantly, it’s a guide for how to make some big dollar bills. You simply have to read my picks and immediately take the opposite side. I’ll make you rich. Second, entertainment. I hope to give you some fun reading material or at least give you a reason to be a little more invested into tonight’s dance. And third, this is my last second check before I look in these (hypothetical) bets.
But before we get into the bets, I wanted to give a quickly preview of the trench warfare that will be on our screens tonight. Big Beef, a friend of mine, wanted to hear my thoughts on the Offensive and Defensive lines in this years gauntlet. This is going to be a battle. A juggernaut vs juggernaut. Goliath vs Goliath. I have to say, the best unit out of the 4 has to be the Chiefs offensive line. I believe for the season they were the 2nd ranked unit when it comes to keeping their QB upright. Kermit had time to do his thing, even with a sad WR group. Though the 49ers o-line ain’t nothing to fuck with. Trent Williams might be the best tackle in the league and he will force his will upon all those in the way. He might have to be Moses tonight and part the Red (Chiefs) Sea (Defensive Line) and let his people (Deebo, McCaffery, Elijah Mitchell) go free (get yards and score touchdowns).
But that Red Sea is strong with Chris Jones controlling the current. The DT is simply built different. He’s a game wrecker and will make his presence knows tonight. If he plays up to his full ability and has one of those games where he completely takes control, then the over (47.5) is fucked. That’s what we in the biz call a teaser for later. 49ers Defensive line is great too, with some house hold names. Nick Bosa, Chase Young, and Javon Hargrave will have their impact on this game too, mostly for the better, but could also be a disaster. It’s not their pass rushing abilities that have me worried. The run defense, specifically Chase Young leaves much to be desired. Chase bites easily on fakes and if the Chiefs use that to their advantage it could be a very long night for them.
Before we get started with the picks ,as always, a quick disclaimer when it comes to these types of blogs. I do not live in a state where I can place bets to a US Sportsbook. That’s why it’s called hypothetical betting. These are the picks I’d make if I could place.
Chiefs Money Line and Chiefs (-6.5): I am so tired of losing (hypothetical) money to Patrick fucking Mahomes. This ketchup on steak eating asshat just cannot be stopped. He just finds a way. I honestly don’t understand why they’re the underdogs. Sure, on paper the 49ers might be the better team, even statistically they might be. But we don’t do that nerd shit around here. Eyes and vibes both have me having the Chiefs walk away as repeat champions and it won’t be particularly close. God, I hope I’m wrong.
Chiefs/49ers Over (47.5): Life’s too short to take the under. Next Question.
Coin Flip (tails): TAILS NEVER FAILS! I hypothetically placed this long before my friend informed me that Big Cat placed ten THOUSAND dollars on tails. Take heads. I’ll go down with this ship. Fuck.
National Anthem Over (1:31): See the Chiefs/49ers over justification. It applies here too.
Opening Kick-Off Result (Not a touchback or fair catch): I’m a fan of action. This is a bad bet. Avoid.
Chiefs first 3rd Down Result (Convert): As said earlier, Mahomes just finds a way.
Horse Caller Tackle Call (Yes): Someone’s going to get frustrated or mad and mess up, I’m sure of it!
1st Touchdown (McCaffery, Kelce, or Pacheco): McCaffery because he’s a scoring machine, Kelce for story lines, and Pacheco because dude refused to go down.
Brandon Aiyuk TD: Someone’s going to have to make a play that isn’t named McCaffery or Samuel for the 49ers and this comes with the approval from Papa Polaris!
BNS TD Parlay (Pacheco, Kittle, and Purdy) : Big Beef, FADHM E, and Shakira have all picked a TD scorer and I ride with my boys. Parlayed and individually bet.
The 49 Chiefs: Brock Purdy Pass Yards Over (248.5), Patrick Mahomes Pass Yards Over (260.5), Brandon Aiyuk Rec Yards Over (59.5), Isiah Pacheco Rush Yards Over (68.5), Deebo Samuel TD. For Fun!
Tight Ends and Tee-Dees: Travis Kelce (8 catches, 83+ yards, TD) and George Kittle (5 catches, 62+ yards, TD) Also for fun!
Each Team to score a TD and a FG in each half: Shout out PFTCommenter, seemed like a fun one!
Longest FG In SB History to be broken (54): Kickers need love too
Red Gatorade: Shout out T-Y at work for this one.
Brittany Mahomes to be mentioned in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: If I have to listen to Tony Romo be horny, I’m at least, hypothetically, getting something out of it.
Travis Era: Travis Kelce to score 2+ TDs and win MVP. We’ re all about story lines in the NFL and if I’m going to have to suffer through a summer about this story, I want some extra fake cash in my pocket to buy earplugs (or I could just log off…nah).
And that’s all s(he) wrote! I plan on streaming over at twitch.tv/auricpolaris tomorrow around 11:30 am (shameless plug: CHECK) where I’ll probably be hungover and getting mt little Pikmin killed and complaining about this game one way or another. This is such a bittersweet day for NFL fans. Hopefully the last game of the 2023-2024 season leaves us satisfied and fulfilled. Thank you for taking the time out of one of your biggest holidays to read this. Hug those around you. Remind someone that you love them. It’s a special day, make those around you feel special. Enjoy your food spreads, your beverages. your friends, your family, and one last ride of the season.
