There are few things worse than you and all very cool and very real friends are chilling, drinking couple brewskis and talking about broads, when all of a sudden you realize no one laughed at your funny story. You look around in complete shame as their eyes yearn for something more, but you have exhausted the entirety of your cognitive content and now are forced to either make up funny lies or keep talking until someone laughs. Or you can do what Jeb Bush did in 2016 and be your own Applause Sign.
I was under the impression we all made fun of so much he somehow blew a two-president lead. Apparently, Vince McMahon was too busy being the dictator of a South American country to keep up with the news that asking people to clap is how you immediately lose the locker room like you’re Russell Wilson. Apparently the man who was ousted from his company only to come back (the modern Steve Jobs) pulled a Jeb.
During a meeting yesterday after the acquisition by and merger into TKO, Vince reportedly said, “I’m Vince McMahon damn it.” When the crowd didn’t immediately rush to their feet like the Undertaker sitting up, Vince said, “this is when you’re supposed to clap.” An all-time bozo move in the making right there.
Now, not to defend Jeb Bush, but also to defend Jeb!, when he used the please clap line he was in the middle of a foreign policy spiel to an audience in New Hampshire. I can forgive the crowd for not being super into the speech given I don’t conflate political campaign speeches with a raucous good time; I imagine everyone just kind of claps like Paula Abdul.
Also, the line kind of sucks. The end of the line is, “to get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world.” Again, no New Hampshire campaign expert is on here, but that’s not a line where I think it’s time to applaud. And, Jeb also smiled after he said please clap which shows some self-awareness that maybe the demon that has taken over Vince’s face doesn’t allow him to have.
But Vince is different. He was applauding himself. He was acknowledging that he is Vince McMahon, and he wants to make sure everyone knows it. It was loud and it was boisterous and it was in your face. He also used a cane, which I’m pretty convinced is some reverse Willy Wonka scenario. None of this was meant to actually do anything other than boost Vince’s already Dana White-head sized ego. It was a bozo move, but a nonsense move at that.
You stop being cool when the Wall Street Journal does an expose on you. Washington Post? Sure that’s just a gossip column. But the Wall Street Journal is read by the money men, and if you fuck with the money men you no longer get to be funny on stage.
I also don’t want this to somehow turn into a Jeb defense column, when this is supposed to be a blog solely focusing on making fun of everyone’s favorite real-life Logan Roy, but Jeb also had a sense of humor. He did that Emmy opening with Jimmy Kimmel where he seemingly made fun of himself. The only time I can ever imagine Vince McMahon making fun of himself is when his legal defense team tells him he needs to make fun of himself on the stand during his inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit.
Anyway, for more coverage of how Jeb’s 2016 campaign has made its way into our cultural zeitgeist make sure to subscribe to my upcoming newsletter “Jebbed in the Face.”
