Connor Stalions Should Be Pardoned By Joe Biden

Posted on November 4, 2023November 5, 2023 by Jorden

At this point, everyone knows the saga of Connor Stalions. This man took his love for Michigan football and turned into the James Bond of collegiate sports. Connor Stalions is what every fan should strive to be: committed, loyal, and rabid. One of my favorite shows is The Young Pope. In the show Pope Pius the XIII says he wants “fanatics for God.” Connor Stalions is who he was talking about.

Then today we all received the horrible news that Connor Stalions had been unceremoniously terminated.

Source confirms Michigan has fired analyst Connor Stalions, at the center of the NCAA signal stealing investigation, as @DanWetzel first reported. I’m told Stalions did not attend a meeting with Michigan officials today, possibly on advice of his counsel.
— Adam Rittenberg (@ESPNRittenberg) November 3, 2023

The man who brought Michigan football back to the Promised Land, a land of milk and honey and college football playoffs. He threw himself on the funeral pyre of a compliance nightmare and died the only appropriate death for a true martyr of the cause. He is what ever sports fan aspires to be. He is what every sports fan should strive to be.

Connor Stallions, though, is a true psychopath. Somewhere in Quantico there is forensic psychologist making a psychological profile of a man just like Connor Stallions, but instead of blowing up college football, that man is planning to blow up various populated places. He may not be under federal indictment, nor has he broken any laws, but he is a man with a record now. Connor Stalions needs to stand before Joe Biden on Thanksgiving and receive a presidential pardon.

A Stalion of a Leader

I have a fascination for cult leaders and psychopaths. The way they think, the way they act, and they way they believe fascinate me. They all have a cause they’re indiscriminately loyal to. These psychos produce manifestos, speeches, and other content targeted at changing the world. Sometimes they are gentle creatures who want nothing more than to spread their message. Most times, though, these men want a goal so badly they are willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish it.

Connor Stallions terrifies me. He is one of those men. There is a rumored 600 page manifesto. All on Michigan football. Can you imagine writing anything for 600 pages? No, you can’t, because you’re not on some FBI watch list that if you go to China or deep in the Missouri woods you get put on the no-fly list. That’s a level of dedication only known by Warhammer players and men who run wood cults understand.

But unlike those Ted K. wannabes, Connor Stalions had the gall to accomplish his goal. There’s a saying that every great leader has been trying to emulate Caesar. In the case of Connor, not only did he cross the Rubicon and gain the emperor-like power to choose which Big 10 teams live and die, he was also murdered by his own Michigan brothers.

Joe We Need to Do It

The point I’ve been trying to make here is that Connor Stalions has the potential to go one of two ways. He either faces zero consequences (for what filming games, something every team ever has done) and continues with his genius-level obsession with Michigan football. Or he gets punished, buys a cabin in the woods, and his manifestos focus less on Michigan football and more on how to kidnap the Michigan governor. Or if not that, he joins Greenpeace and takes that organization to the next level (they’ve needed a good rebrand).

Joe, do you know why the Taliban were able to take back Afghanistan all those years after the US took over? Some may say military incompetence. Others will point out guerilla tactics work really well against an organized, modern military.

But I would argue it’s because they were fanatics for God full of drive to accomplish their goal. Well Connor Stalions’ god is Michigan football and he will be the most diligent and fanatical follower of the cult of Jim Harbaugh. I worry what would happen if we give Connor Soviet-era guns and a cave network in the woods of Michigan. I can only imagine a Far Cry 4 scenario in Glacier National Park led by a man who has been burned by the only thing he ever truly loved.

Now, is there a world where I’d like to see him go to some white collar prison and get courted by the various prison gangs who would value his leadership experience. But, again, he’s done nothing illegal (NCAA rules don’t count; they’re worse than politicians). And I honestly respect everything he has done. But I fear him. Connor could create something like Baseball Reference for football. He could become a painstaking Billy Bean 2.0 for football (“He gets 3 yards every run”). Or he could start using his middle name and join the likes of Lee Harvey Oswald or John Wilkes Booth.

What I’m saying Joe is pardon the man for the safety of America.

The Most Important Election of Our Lifetime

I’m becoming a single issue voter in 2024 – which presidential candidate has the balls to pardon Connor Stalions. Which presidential candidate will think of the safety of all Americans, and the progression of innovative tactics in college football.

With Thanksgiving coming around, I’m all for a public pardoning of Connor. I also think all sports fans should thank him. Put him on one of those Catholic candles and light one every time your team does something suspicious.

So please Joseph Robinette Biden, pardon Connor Stalions for he is nothing but a metaphor for everything we could become.

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