Note: This was written over a series of days, so some references to “last night” or “yesterday” refer to days that were not yesterday. This is not a perfect blog; it is an outpouring of emotion.
Last night, in a moment of pure exhaustion, I got home and immediately crashed into my bed. The lights were left on, and none of my usual nighttime routine had been completed. On top of long weeks at work, continued work on this blog and podcast, and every other thing that comes with life, I collapsed into sleep, feeling somewhat sorry for myself and my situation in life. I’ve been pretty honest on this blog about any personal struggles I find myself dealing with. One of my continual struggles is simple: there must be something bigger than this.
I consider myself a Christian, even if I consistently fail to perform at the holy level I believe is required of a follower. Despite my multiple appearances at a Catholic Church, I am still not sure that I know anything about the spiritual world and the beyond. There is no definitive proof, so I find myself in a spiritual Purgatory, always debating on what is out there – above or below, and in between. I am constantly in a spiritual crisis and trying to determine if anything matters; call it teetering on optimistic nihilism.
So let’s go back to last night. I’m half-clothed in a hot apartment, slowly coming to with the fan’s light fully trained on my eyes. It’s 2:22 AM (I remember it vividly), and I’m a little annoyed at myself because I wanted to complete my Adam Silver blog last night. Yet, here I was, eyes blurred and sweat still pouring. In a day when some things had gone right, the end had gone wrong.1 And then I opened my email.
That’s how I found out that Diogo Jota died. An email from The Athletic in the middle of the night. No announcement or X memorial post, but an email surrounded by marketing emails from corporations who won’t get the hint from my non-responses. Kind of like the way he played, it was without a certain amount of flair.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend I was completely devastated2 by Jota’s death when I first learned about it. Not because it was not sad, but because my relationship with him was fully parasocial and through a screen. But I did love seeing him play. Jota’s play reminded me of Bobby Firmino. Not in style, but in the apparent joy with which they played. It was disheartening and sad, but I wasn’t devastated by the death. It’s hard for me to get that sad about celebrity deaths, not because they are not tragic, but because there is a clear wall between me and the person. And I returned to bed that night, sad, but not fully questioning life.
But, like every great tragedy, the story was not content with settling into its sadness. It was not just the fact that Jota’s brother, Andre Silva, was also a part of the crash; a mother has lost both her sons. Nor was it just that Jota had to drive because of an operation on his lungs that made it unsafe to fly. It wasn’t even just the wedding photos with the three children. What truly devastated me was seeing Jota’s bride, the mother of his children, crying, in the back of a car, fingernails painted white. How devastatingly unfair. There’s a two-sentence horror in that: “She arrives to identify her husband’s body. Her nails, painted white.”
The only words I found comforting out of the multitude were Jurgen Klopp’s words. “There must be a bigger purpose! But I cannot see it!” It’s times like these that I can fully comprehend how Calvinism got so popular. I am no fan of Calvinism for many reasons, but there is something particularly comforting about believing in some bigger plan.3 Obviously, this horrible event was meant to happen, and all the fallout from it serves some greater purpose. I’m not sure I find it particularly comforting, but at least it’s something to believe in. Isn’t that the point?
But there are times like these, I’m not sure I can even fathom what the bigger purpose is. Can there be a bigger purpose for seven and eight-year-old girls to die in a flood? They were babies. This was their first entry into a little taste of post-parental freedom, and what happens? They drown. These were innocent children whose biggest sins consisted of anger at their parents and misunderstanding their emotions. And God kills them.4 Even putting that aside, some children and families were faithful servants, and yet now they must live with the pain of grief forever.
Quote me 2 Corinthians 4 or Romans 8 to make me feel as though there is good even in the suffering. Give me materials from Aquinas, Augustine, or even CS Lewis.5 They all sound like platitudes to help us get through the day or through grief. We all tell ourselves little lies to help ourselves get through the day; I tell myself little lies about this entire endeavor succeeding
I’m reminded of Jed Bartlet’s speech to God in the West Wing. “Have I displeased You, You feckless thug?” The problem of Sorkin’s writing aside, the switch to Latin and “Heac credam a Deo pio, a Deo justo, a Deo scito?” is exactly how I feel.
As much as this blog began because of the death of Diogo Jota. That is so unfair, to where it feels cruel to the family left behind; children who must grow up remembering their father through YouTube videos and faded memories. One who must grow up on stories alone. But the Central Texas floods are cruel.
Jurgen Klopp always finds the perfect words.6 In his Instagram tribute, he wrote, “There must be a bigger purpose! But I can’t see it!” I am fully blinded to these bigger purposes, the bigger plans. It all just feels so unworldly cruel.
At 30 years old, I don’t believe I fully comprehend death still. The idea of a player not being on a team anymore is a pretty normal situation for any sports fan; watching Kyle Tucker on the Cubs feels odd still. But the truth that Jota is actually fully gone – no legends or former players’ games for him – is something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around.
There may be some fallout from this post because it borders on sacrilegious. But maybe that’s part of the bigger plan. Because there has to be one. I am just lost to it right now.
- Ending the day on the right note is incredibly important to me; if I’ve done nothing throughout the day, I need to do it at night before I go to sleep. ↩︎
- For some reason, it really bothered me that every statement used the word “devastated”. I understand why – it’s a perfectly normal emotion – but it felt so PR-driven. ↩︎
- For the record, I am also not a huge fan of Arminianism. It’s just Calvinism with one choice; as a professor described it to me, it’s group Calvinism. ↩︎
- I believe fully in treating God as David did. Why lie when omnipotence doesn’t allow for hiding? ↩︎
- The Problem of Pain is actually a great read. ↩︎
- Somehow, so does Jose Mourinho. ↩︎
Follow Moon Stamp Sports on Twitter/X, Instagram and Facebook, and follow Jorden on Twitter/X. Check out other blogs by Jorden.
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